Saturday, November 28, 2015

A Journal Entry

A Letter to My Love...My Dear Man..

Thanksgiving is over...You were everywhere.  You were missed.

There were few surprises, but that Ray and Alicia now only have 16 cats instead of 17...
They had started at 22 in Miami.  Attrition, I guess.
The 18 of them are now headed back to New Jersey.
I am grateful that they came.  I love them.
They have been married 29 years now...Can you believe it?
Our family craziness is everywhere..nothing new, you would have said.

It was so much fun playing Canasta--our family ritual.
Proud of Evan...he carries on the tradition, playing like a pro...so smart!!
Evan stuffed the turkey with me and put it into the oven.
The rest of the day, doing  nothing exhausted me.

There is still a warrant out for Eamon's arrest.  You would tell me to stop obsessing and let it all go.
You would tell me to stop checking the online sheriff link..non-stop.
To let go of what I could not control and what was no longer my business for a child of 31.
It was easier to do that when you were here.

CSI security system was installed tonight.
It took hours. The installer's mother died of ALS. He wanted to talk about it.

After 37 years of loving you, I remember that you used your last breath to
tell me to live my life and to take care of myself.
I want to do neither.

My sister has two interviews this week.  That is good news.
Emily is coming home for Christmas and my birthday. That is good news.
Emily's man is wonderful. That is good news.

I guess the kids and I will try to put up that artificial tree that we got when you became so sick.
I will try to remember that Grandma lost so many of her family at Christmas and still made wonderful Swedish Christmases for us.
Grandma..How did you do that?

I am way behind on making holiday things for my friends.
Maybe they will be January presents. I will accept that.

This hole in my heart is such uncharted territory.
It saps so much energy from me that I hardly know who I am any more.
You would tell me that I am doing the best I can.

Even though I cannot change the past for the children,
I often feel like what I do is not enough.

You are my everything.
I am happy that at least I was able to write you this letter.
Maybe one day I will be able to look at your picture again.
xxoo



4 comments:

Karen Barry said...

My heart breaks for you. You are a much, much stronger person than you realize. I don't know why you have been given so much to bear. Your grandchildren will always love and appreciate you. You also inspire your readers to quit complaining about the small stuff ( me at least). I hope God brings you joy and comfort this Christmas season.

ES said...

I'm so glad your daughter will be there for christmas, she will help you no end :) it was a lovely letter, you were one lucky woman to be married to your husband :) xx

Karaquilts said...

Your letter makes me want to know both of you better. I'm sad I never got to know your husband, but you make him come to life in our minds so beautifully. Your eternal love is a treasure. Know that we cry and ache with you all the while we admire and value who you are becoming. Your "you" will always be richer and wiser because of Mr O'Quilts.

smazoochie said...

Thank you for sharing the inside of your heart.