Sunday, August 14, 2016


Cross quilt process:

My process:
To give me strength etc, etc..I follow a number of private groups on Facebook:
Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, ALS caregiver widows, some addiction posts, et al
They help me feel not so alone.
I found this interesting article.

Now in all my selfishness, in order to keep functioning, I really never thought of how my love felt in these terms.  He was busy dying and I was busy trying to keep him alive.
His primary goal as he died, was to be sure that I was OK. He was giving me his gift of love.

Today is 16 months a widow.  I am better, I am sewing and going out with friends.
This past week, I ate out with friends 6 times.
My belly and my budget squealed.

Why did I not think of how he felt in terms of burdening the family??
I do not know.
I do know that I could not have reassured him of that..only of my love for him.
He knew the reality....He had worked in the ALS clinic.  He knew ALS was one way...Down.
.The very day he was diagnosed, he told me that ALS was a very expensive illness.
 He told me that I could well lose the house in order to pay for his care.

 Already, raising our three young grandchildren was taking 60% of our income.
He was afraid I would get sick as I let myself decline in health, eating junk and crying in the recliner. I would not bathe, I would not go out, I sunk deeper and deeper into despair.
Paralyzed in the bed, he arranged for friends to come and talk with me.
My quilting friends stuck by me.
My pool friends stuck by me.
His family stuck by me.
My family stuck by me.
My Naranon friends stuck by me.
My blogging friends stuck by me.

He counseled me so I would not go completely berserk...
He used his one good hand to comfort me.
Just writing this brings tears to my eyes, even though I know that we both did the best we could in terrible circumstances.
Twenty two months was quite sufficient for him to live this disease of paralysis and death..
He is done with it...well on his spiritual way.
I find myself still living it.


smazoochie said...

Thank you for sharing this thoughtful piece.
The diseases that take the body, leaving the mind to watch & think & worry; the diseases that take the mind, leaving a healthy body with no pilot -- both so awful.
It is always an education to try putting ourselves into the shoes of others. Everyone fights a hard battle.
Your crosses are so cheery, I hope they gave you cheer.

Karaquilts said...

I appreciate the insights you have shared today. In the midst of our pains, it is so difficult to comprehend the heart and mind of the one we love; and I am so in awe of those who accomplish this. What a forever gift your precious man has left by leaving his heart to beat within you. and you let that heart shine out to all of us with your selfless sharing, and so much more so with the gift of home and family you daily give to three priceless little people.

You have poetry in your soul. Different from your mother's poems, but inspiring and thought-provoking just the same.