Spring Forward

Coming around the bend...Today..was the first time I have been able to look at this picture in a year.

A whole year!!!!  I took it from being upside down on a shelf, to a position in sewing room number 2.
Now,I can let him guide me in my times of stress..A huge growth spurt for me.

 

Today was the first time in a year, that I have been able to go to the back deck at all...

never mind, sipping tea and reading...OMG

The first time to chill and relax in the sun on school break.

The first showing of a finished quilt in forever ago.
This scrap quilt was supposed to be yellow and navy...
How it turned out pink is way beyond me..
Guess working out the balance of values..made it so.
It is waiting now for someone who needs a Cotton and Steel boost.

 The first enjoyment of spring for me.

 And for me, the first time cutting out squares, instead of applique with my Accu-Go cutter.

I have had it for 3 years...seldom used.
 This new $10 sewing machine seems to be a bust for now.

So I am  using the nice cabinet for the cutter.  Maybe with my arthritis,
 I should have had an electric one..

but I am thrilled with the one I have.
 I am going to try a charm baby quilt.  Using the Foust scraps tonight.

A lovely day.
 A big thanks to my Wednesday night quilting group for helping me process my particulars and loving me despite the OMG challenges...xxoo

The Slip-up..

I got home tonight to find that my beloved Stephanie had busied herself with....
 cleaning my sewing counter...
She is an OCD clean freak...Now what says Mrs. O'Quilts
Where is my stuff??????
Someone, below, does not care at all about scrappy mess.
His love is unconditional.


Had a fun time tonight at the Charlotte Modern Quilt Guild.
Fun to see what favorite quilting tools everyone has.

Tonight's confession:  I ate some of the children's Easter candy.
 I was depressed with my widow weight..and my painful knees that have not been replaced.
The sad state of Grandma's affairs tonight(:
I do love the Easter bunny and he skipped my house this time.
Certainly it was a wise choice!!!!

That was not enough, says weak kneed Grandma.
She said she would just check her favorite fabric site: Hancocks of Paducah's sale pages
Just checking, she said...OMG  I need an attitude adjustment for sure..
And, none of the above helped  my arthritis, let me tell you.

I have been raising my grandchildren for almost 2 and a half years.
Despite adversity, IMHO. I can see that I am doing a very good job.
The other day they wanted three helpings of hot oatmeal before school.
They got it..
Then, they ran happily onto the bus where friends waited for them.
Consistency...they got it.
They are safe and secure and loved..gratitude.

Disappointment came last night...
 My son is now out of jail and working.  He is a great worker.
Within an hour or two of his release, he had a job and was on the job!!
His cellmate had a brother, etc with a business..
Voila, my charming son was working.
Last night we had a park date with him to meet with his children.  They were so excited.
He called at the last minute and cancelled...still on the job, he said..and in South Carolina.
Maybe so, says his mother...but..................
So fine..we had movie night instead.......it is spring break after all.

 16 year old Pumpkin is proud of me for starting to quilt again..

Fine...Cats...just fight over it . It is not like there are no nice special beds for the two of you..

While googling Quilting for Solace..I found this cool article.

The Upswing and the party she made for herself.

Let's  have a party, she said...sick of being morose....

I decided to have my tight widow group to my house on Saturday night.

Wishing that my other widow friends would come to our St.Gabe group too
Second Tuesday of the month..

It was a stretch for me, considering it all..but so worth it.

10 people (widow/widowers) at a pot-luck, dinner, on the screened in porch, laughing.,
wrapped in quilts with candles on the table....like we were all 30 instead of seniors...OMG

Can you believe this??

Emily helped me.  I sent her to Trader Joe's for 10 bottles of wine, two of each..5 kinds.  I marked half with  numbers 1 thru 5 and put them into the pantry.  The other matching 5, I covered with duct tape...yes quilting duct tape!!, marked them with numbers, uncorked them and put them out on the table.

Sooo fun for the wine snobs..and so fun for the rest of us too.
At the end of the evening, I took out the ones labeled and each noted their favorites.
The favorite was a $5 special...none were over $7..Too much fun.

#5, the winner!!













 I made a cake...

Because it was my cake, I sampled it before the party...
No excuses...just because I could..hee hee

I mean really...gotta know if it was good.

They stayed from 5:30 to 10:30..I was delighted to feel normal again..
(even before the wine)
Emily and her man came over on Easter...cleaned up around here and made a roast  lamb
just for the three of us. I love you Emily and Bri...Thank you mucho.
Beside the big events, I slept almost the entire rest of the weekend.
And so it goes up and down...
You all are saints for even reading this crazy blog!!

The Total Grief Rant......(not a quilt in sight)

Easter 2015
My love was dead a week later..
I am struggling.

In these pictures, he is totally paralyzed but his right hand and his face.
 His neck is in a brace.
He has a feeding tube with Morphine and Ativan and food.
His skin is itchy.  He has a catheter.
He is wearing Depends. His limbs have to be massaged and stretched.
 He is prone to blood clots.
He is freezing in the hot Easter sun.
His diaphragm is impaired leaving his breathing weak, his voice is a whisper,
his swallowing is difficult

His mind is clear.
I love him and I am helpless.

ALS/ Lou Gehrig's Disease/ Motor Neuron Disease/ Hell

Watching someone you love go down paralyzed with this disease,
 is almost too much to bear.
No one wants to hear that the grief struggle still sucker punches you a year later.
No one wants to hear the grief and anger and betrayal..
Folks want you to pretend to be ok.  It is far more comfy for all.
Suck it up, pretend, be positive.. You are so strong!.

But, the healing is really in the talking.
Thank God, I have a few friends who are able to listen to my pain.
They know that the suggestion box is full.

I understand folks are busy with their own lives....good friends drift off into acquaintances..
More abandonment..
I understand that we are all alone.
I feel like going back to M&Ms and red wine.
I feel despair.

Stories and Stuff

FYI, I lost my heart to a black haired, blue eyed, Galway man....OMG

Galway Girl
I love that the charlotte modern quilt guild  has this placemat outreach.
It is fun to take someone else's orphan blocks and make them into something else

When I had Kristen babysitting, she organized my scraps for me.
Of course I could never USE something so organized.
I found them tonight to finish off the above placemat tops.  Fun

STORIES:
Friday, I asked God for the strength to get off some of this widow's weight.
By one am, I was busy in the loo with a stomach bug..
No, no, no I said...God, you..misunderstood...Alas..............

Last night I read a daily reading about listening to my inner spirit.
So I did.
It said go to bed silly.
So I did.

Dylan is 6.  He whispered to me the other day..
Aunt Emily is getting married.
Do you know what they do there??
Whisper.....giggle giggle.
They kiss and I am going to watch.
Snarles his older sister, age 7..
Grandma will never let you watch that!!!

Evan, almost 11...Grandma..I am not like you.  I am like me.
I have different tastes than you.  Did  you realize that people are different in that way??
You like raisins and tuna and cheese and chicken.
I like normal food, says Evan...like chips and ice cream and cookies!

Evan..The way it goes at school Grandma is that ....a girl tells you that she likes  you and asks  you to be her boyfriend.  That happened to me yesterday.  That is why I had to go to Walmart with my allowance and buy 2 large bags of candy, come home and wrap them up in a cute bag with tissue paper and sneak it all into her bookbag today.  She was surprised and happy which made me happy...
Just thought  you all would like to know how things are done in fifth grade here in Charlotte, NC

   I have no energy today.  If my love were here I would whine to the poor soul

I do not know why I am so weak.

He would say..you still have some of that virus in you.

I would disagree...why do you think I am so weak...ha ha.

Alas, he is not here so I am telling you..more ha ha.

Then he would say go sew...

Which I did.

I am looking everywhere for child size thimbles to teach my grands hand sewing.
I ordered some on Ebay...they came...Giant size thimbles with pictures of children painted on them.
That is what they advertised as Child's/Children's thimbles.
So disappointed...
If anyone knows where to get small thimbles for a 6, 7 and 10 year old. please let me know.

Lá fhéile Pádraig sona dhuit!!!!!!!

Happy St. Paddy's Day!!

Since my sisters in-law brought outfits for the grands from Ireland last week....
I decided to celebrate after all.
Too thrilled going off to school in their Irish glory.
Making the Muldoon family proud!!

( Of course, they are 25% Cuban.!!)
We take any chance for a party.... Cuban flags next?????

Lead me not into Temptation

Sharing some  pix before my evening whine...
The flower girl dress for Lynsey,

 My love and Aidan  many many moons ago.
  
Orphan blocks for MQG place mats...the current outreach projects.
These place mats are for Friendship trays.
Tomorrow's project...
Found tonight...on the way to there as I cleaned my sewing room...These blocks found me!!,

My favorite vacation spot seems to be the land of denial.
I went to middle school orientation tonight.
At age 68, with three grands and grief, my epiphany was....
There is a big difference now that I am no longer 38 or 48.  For real!!
I have help all around...peeps who care.
Wobbling with my joints, wishing my man was here to help, wanting to be younger and stronger as I saw almost every parent  there to be like 10 or 12 years old.
I always wish I could do better...even with Katie doing the brunt of it all.
New deal is 60 minutes of homework all seven days of the week next year.
I am weak at the knees at the thought on monitoring all this homework.
This middle school is a prize winning school.
Single old Grandma trying so hard. (poor pitiful me.)
Whew...that felt good!!!

Dylan is 6.  His teacher checked every single box on the AD/HD check list for him.
He is still smart as a whip and is planning to be a fireman.
Today he said to me.  Grandma...you used to have three stomachs.
Now,  you only have two...probably because you are eating your veggies...OMG

My daughter is getting married in the mountains on a farm.
She has invited 35 people.  I got to invite 3.
I am grateful that it is her wedding and not mine.
She said that my only obligation is to show up.  TBTG

And on and on I go..Blah blah blah..taking the healing liberty of writing here for my therapy!!
Thankful that the computer has a delete button to save my peeps!!

Hmmmm
AND  Tonight at midnight, I was able to listen to this song without crying.  X3
Old Flames

Eleven Months a Widow

My love, the core of who you are resonates with me now.

I carry you with me always

 So smart.  So wise.

 So kind.

So much fun.

And love..and love..and love.

xxoo

One More Milestone

Today ends a very successful weekend by myself.
The mornings must start out with a potholder or two

 And, then a card...

 No matter what...the scrap bucket is still fuller than full!!!

A pillowcase...

 And, a repair...I am Woman...

 For forever this lock to the screened in porch has been broken..
Letting in the racoons to the dog food..

 With my trusty sewing room tools, I simply moved the lock up...smarty pants.

 I even cleaned off my ironing table...that took all day.
Last night a widow group event...Thanks be to our group leader, Terrie.
Tonight the grands back from a wonderful time at the cousins' house.
All said that they were so glad to be home...Terrific news.
Thanks to  Michele and her chickens..
today concluded.the first alone successful weekend ever since my love died
Mark this, the end of month 11,
Truly a milestone for which I am grateful.

Crafting for Mental Health

A Glimpse of the New Me...

Found a radio station on my computer...way new to me.
I learned how to play it...big girl!!

Signed up for a jewelry class.

Had a lovely lunch out with a friend from forever ago.

Voted...early voting.

Funny how the rise from the W of grief feels so good,
even when you know the pain, again... is just around the corner.

I threw away dictates of the quilt police and ...
Just pinned that quilt right over another, hanging in the living room..Ha!!.

Dylan's birthday visit from his mother at Kindergarten school lunch

An admirer here as my girl tries on a dress she rejected, before sending it back to Atlanta.


And more potholders:

I have 10 made.  I was just about to put away the scraps when I realized that I had 8 promised already.
7%^&5*^%)%

Last but not least,  is Evan with the quilts he designed on his I-Pad.
......while lurking during my quilting group.

With the bits of dark Cadbury that Ms Katie gave me to hide from myself,
I am about to watch the 10 O'clock news special on Heroin in the suburbs.
Probably not the best bedtime story...but I just gotta do it.

Hello .....Mighty Fine Day..

Lunch out...yeah...getting that friend fix!!
Tonight  sisters and bro-in-laws arrived in from across the pond and sunny Florida.

I made them each a mug rug from my dear man's shirts.

(I hate my new camera)

 The darlings love their swing..

 Sunday morning I found them outside when I got up, swinging in their jammies.
That was after Lynsey got up early deciding to make everyone breakfast.
She put the instant oatmeal in the plastic bowls, she put the bowls in the microwave,
and then...????  Evan said she was burning the house down.
I did not realize that a 7 year old needed a microwave lesson.
I did not realize she was the cook...although I certainly should have.
TBTG the aftermath was only a rancid, nasty smell.

Dinner out...with the in-laws...no wonder I cannot walk!!
All this eating out...

Sunny lovely southern day..high of 70..hmmm

When the good times swell....I think that I just might be able to make it.

Wedding plans coming along...Oh, my...

I love her so.

xxoo

Peace

Sweet Dreams

Only a potholder can make calm, thus sweet dreams!!!

Good night!

I Am Here....

Crazy camera...I bought it after the robbery.
State Farm did not pay squat and I had "replacement insurance"!!

That one sock is at Marie's house still, does not phase Lynsey one bit!!!

I am here.....It may be progress???

If it is not enough..
...Now a tiff with my daughter..all stressed about her wedding that she is planning in TWO months.
  When I talk about the "friends" who dropped me after the funeral, she says that I am being too judgmental...Of course she is right.. She says that I go on and on repeating things...
Well...she is right there, too.  That is what old people do.
She is not in my situation stewing in grief that will not go away.
Chock it all up to stress...hers and mine....way too much.
Nary a vacation day in sight for me..
Now on to my sewing choices...ugh...

The more I mess with the inner borders, the more I realize that it is the outer blue border that is the culprit..
It is too dark and overpowers the quilt.

I might just make potholders tonight to relieve my stress.
So relaxing...and positive and mood changing for a Friday night.
I will let all this ferment on the wall and off the wall.
Until... the answers hits me..
Later...
As always, Thank you for riding with me.
A Loved One's Goodbye

Galway Bay

Legacies

Digging out from my quilt archives...one of a series I made of orange quilts.  This replaces Grandma's 100 year old pictures .... now worth nothing...Sorry Grandma!!

 Instead of planting a tree for Granddaddy, we built a tree house in his honor.
Today Andy put up a swing..How fun..Granddaddy would have loved his legacy.

New camera, terrible pix.  Eithne has MADE the most gorgeous outfits for Lynsey's doll

 How giving is this.  Eithne is my role model.  She gives to others in the name of her beloved son who died in an airplane crash.   Love you Eithne..Thank you. xxoo
I would retake the picture tonight, but Lynsey is already asleep holding the finely dressed doll.

Two lovely days in a row..so lucky, I am.  Then, in planning Easter. the bomb fell again.

My love died a week after Easter last year...It will never be the same..

Here we go..who am I without him?? How can I survive? How can I leave the earth a better place?.

With the cement block on my heart and anxiety in my gut, I struggle.

I had a lovely breakfast with my daughter...continuing her birthday...lol

Decided I could either come home and cry, or go to Marshall's to get the purse I had seen.

The purse was gone and I cried in Marshalls.

Do I care about purses?  no no no!

I care about loss.

Boomerang back to the stunning day in Charlotte...Carolina blue skies and crisp air.

mmmmmm
Grief bursts are getting shorter in duration and more spread apart.
Grateful.