Gone to the Dark Side

I have gone to the dark side.  And, it is the fault of CS Lewis.

  I am reading widow book number 9, A Grief Observed.

 ....reading it just before I go to bed, of course.

It is 2:30 am..and I had to get up.

 I was starting to go...what point is there?? 

My best arm has been amputated.  He was everything, I am nothing.

I hurt every day with arthritis..I fell yesterday and now I have a huge, painful bruise.

Everyone else can get a cold, but me...I immediately get asthmatic bronchitis.

So what is the point??.

Steroids will do this to a person!!

.  My sister just brought home Breyer's chocolate ice cream.

When the dark side came, I just got up instead of obsessing.

Happily, I am eating the ice cream.

CS Lewis was one of the intellectual giants of the twentieth century and one of the most influential Christian writers of his day.

When his wife died, his intellect got in the way of his faith.

Where is she?

Others keep putting their faith on me.

She may not be in a better place.  They do not know.

Half of Christian religions and a part of Eastern religions all believe that life after death could well be worse.

OMG

The dark side..

I think that I will read the second half of this book in the day time!!

My reality has changed. Nothing will be the same.

Now that I am up, I know that I will forge my own way and do the best I can.

xxoo

And, the Good News Is.......

After 6 months of waiting, my widow social security benefit finally came through.
 Celebrate!!!!....Back pay too.

Of course, it went into the wrong account...but,, OK then...$$$$ is here!

Fall is here as well.

I did not think I could do autumn without my dear man.

Fall came anyway.  If Ever I Would Leave You

Evan put up all the decorations...great boy!!
And, Evan goes to sleep with the classical music station, just like Granddaddy did.
Love that boy!!

I am sick...ugh, grrrrr.
Gotta cold...gotta sore throat and gotta cough.
Started asthma treatments right away, cuz I know where this always takes me.
Did I say, ugh and grrrrr??
I have cancelled everything for this week.
Two widows groups, the kids' therapy appts, lunches,
.... and even my beloved Wednesday night quilting group.
I am for self-care so this cold will not end up asthmatic bronchitis.

My sister spotted these at IKEA
the  FINNBY bookcase
Doesn't it scream, stack fabric here???? Doesn't it??
Well They are $30 bucks each...Two for me and one for her, for a housewarming present.
And she will assemble them, that is more great news.

 I am trying to make "that" room my own..
Shunning the sounds of  the life support equipment of ALS
For color. for fabric and for my own use.
I so love red.
My husband has now been diagnosed 2 and 1/2 years, including the 6 months dead..
Therefore, it has been 2 and 1/2 years that I have been hysterical in disbelief.
The pain lingers, the fog is still here...mud brain.
I am still so exhausted.
Every day the loss hits me more and more.
I must make my house my own.
I must start with the fabric.

Midnight Mending.

Ho Ho...It is the midnight hour again...I could not sleep after sleeping all weekend.

I am washing and mending for my sister.

Here is a quilt that had been hanging on her wall in her old home for quite awhile..

The story:  She and I were perusing at the Metrolina Antique show about 10 years ago.

This quilt was a steal, but my sister did not have the money.

So the cheeky sisters called dear ol' Ma....

Will you buy this quilt for Charmaine.

Of course, she said yes.

No one loves you like a mother.

 Here, the mending of a well loved quilt. 

I put together a utility quilt for my niece, 100 years back.

The binding was ripped off from loving..

It is all soft and well used.  Now ready to go back to its  owner.

 I love this cheddar fabric.  It was $11 a yard at Mary Jo's Fabric Store.

I was disgusted with the expense, so only bought a half a yard.

I try not to spend more than 5 or 6$ a yard.

I put it next to the wonderful fat quarters Cousin Ann brought me from Hamilton, Missouri.

Now, my brain is going 600 miles an hour..all these quilts to make....

 and me....

Sleeping away the weekend, wishing for that which will never be.

Will try to take exhausted self to the Queen Bee tomorrow am.

I miss my friends who have been soooo good to me.

We Love You, Cousin Ann

Cousin Ann came from London to Chicago to Hamilton, Missouri to Charlotte for a visit:)
So grateful that she fit us in after Jenny Doan at Missouri Star Company.
And thrilled that she came at all ..seeing that my love has gone.
Here she is with her fabric stash to take back to London.

 We poured over it with love...far into the night...

 She put together freehand, this cute little quilt to take on the airplane.

It is already well traveled.

 Ann just left now for Vancouver...for training for her new job as chief actuary for all of the UK.

After Vancouver she goes back to London.

There she transits to Argentina to meet up with her man who is working there.

 

We celebrated with wine....ha ha Layer Cake.
And, since Ann fell in love with Missouri, Nancy brought over some Missouri wine.
Did you know that when the vineyards in California had disease, they took roots from the vineyards of Missouri to save the day???  A million years ago , of course.

A napkin present from Ann to me...right up my alley ..lol

I found this interesting article on a blog..arthritis and quilting

We had a wonderful time celebrating Cousin Ann's birthday.

Now...as for the other thing...
Grief has taken me down again..a mean spirited surprise after 10 nice days.
I spent the last two days in bed...exhausted and teary.
I have decided that writing all this in my blog is helpful in charting my progress.
If I do not write it down, I am prone to think that I have made no progress at all.
So exhausted from having fun.
Why did I think I was normal now?
So worth it Cousin Ann
And, I must give a shout out to Muggs who has finally reached her goal of being my age.!!
Happy Birthday Muggs.!!!

The Cleansing

 See Mrs. O'Quilts fold her fabric.
Cousin Ann is coming and I so wanted her to think I was normal!!
Alas, I will not finish my organizing, so she will see the real thing.
So cannot do my whites....help!!!
Greens are so many that they cannot be single stacked.

Since I throw out there all my emotional stuff...
Why am I embarrassed about my messy, hoarding:)??

Here goes 50 years of fabric collecting
Here goes 2.5 years of therapy fabrics

The bottom three pictures are in the "bonus" room
This is where my office was and my dear man's hospital bed was.
I am determined to make this room my own....
Below, new office supplies..

 Christmas, Hannukah, Halloween and childrens fabric in my love's old office bookcase

 My 30's in the antique chest of drawers.
This used to be in our bedroom, now it holds sewing apparatus and the 30's fabric.

I think, Rachel is right, no matter the work of organizing.
The fabrics will get mixed up anyway...sigh

On phone an hour with Social Security today.
They have not started processing my claim.
Six months...irritating, but I handled it.

An absolutely amazing thing has happened.  I have not cried in 5 days.
After moping with the blinds closed last week, something changed.
I feel that Himself is with me now as I advocate for the children and make things happen.
We are together as the journey continues.
For today, I am grateful.
 

We just love a success story!!!

Everyone loved the visitation.
Daddy helped pick out their pumpkins

Daddy played in McDonald's play area with them
Daddy was in good shape.

Visitation was an hour and it went sooo well.
Now folding the turquoises.....found some yellows in there...
Never ever again will I have someone else organize my stash.
Things have been lost forever..
Now, I will know where it all is.

 Amazing..three "normal" days...Where is this coming from???? Slept, thx to my sister taking the kids, did not cry??? My love took 22 months to die...I think I cried more during that time than I have ever ever cried in my life. Waiting for the other shoe to drop..
.Finished Widow book number 8..very helpful.
 I have decided not to count the weeks any more..just the months...
Tough times coming up with his November bday and Thanksgiving...so trying to stay in the day. Maybe the antidepressants help...but then I have been on Lexipro since his diagnosis...
Maybe it is the red wine?? or the candy corn?? or the rain?? or Fabric.com??

 Money still frightful...
Think I will just have to suck it up and be on hold for hours for social security.
One would think 6 months is enough.
..Maybe they lost something...OMG,

Really, I must have a shout out again for my sister.
She never lets me down with the kids. Ever...
She gives them such unconditional love.
With all her issues to contend with, she would inconvenience herself for them.
I could not ask for more. 
Trying now to confirm things for this upcoming weekend 
...so my sister can be part of the Cousin Ann fun.

In the Eye of the Storm

Doing better around here..
But,  I have not sewn in days...
.Just got this picture in from Oak Island.
Muggs chillin' under her sailboat quilt...
Gotta love it.

Last night before bed...got with the program and organized my oranges:)
Many an organization needed before I sleep....

 Excitement!!
Cousin Ann is coming in Wednesday night from London...
via Kansas and the Missouri Star Co..lol
Surely that is the shortest route!!!!
We have big plans to celebrate her 50th, cannot wait.

Kids went to the Karate Halloween trunk or treat party tonight.
Sooo much fun.   They took their mother and my sister.
I am exhausted...lol...
  Evan and his best friend dressed alike for the Karate Halloween party!!

My loyal and dependable sister has, once again, taken Dylan for the night.
Lucky me slept in, therefore.
I found Lynsey plugged in on the IPad watching a video on how to make cookies.
She thinks that that frosting will be better than what I make...
Oh, Lynsey.....

 My girl was in the Killarney race with her sisters-in-law...for a third year..off she went on Saturday...
Can you believe she would like this better than sewing??
Killarney race

Last night I was getting shaky as the night hour approached...so of course I got on Equilter sales to calm myself
Be so proud...I did not push buy:)

The best wedding ever
Of course I cried..I used to have this kind of love....

Mr. O'Quilts' roses at  night.
 The children are supposed to meet up for a visitation with their father today at McDonalds.
Keeping my fingers crossed that it goes well.
Stephanie said that she was coming with me.
She said that I needed someone from the "hood".
Whatever Stephanie!!!!!!!!
Love surrounds.

The No Picture Snivel

I hope you are never a widow.

At the assisted living facility where my mother lived...

 there were 80 women and 9 men....

So, just in case...

You can read my blog to see what it is like.

 

Today is 6 months a widow here.

Social Security is still not in.

I got the grandchildren off on the school bus.

Then, I went back to bed.

Why get up, she said??

Now, at 1:30, I realize that we need dinner and Stephanie will be here soon.

She will not like what she sees.

So I am off to Trader Joe's to get

their famous Oreo cookies

Why not, she said?

xxoo

The View

The view from my quilting room window...

I have seen this poem a million times. 
This time, it is written for me.
"Beannacht", John ODonohue's blessing for his mother

A struggling day for me.
Remembering
"No matter how you feel..
Get up, dress up, show up and never give up"

With love in my heart, I will never forget the friends who have stood beside me in my grief.
Tomorrow, 6 months a widow.
xxoo

 

Two pieces, sharing the small design wall.

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue...

Oh....that would be for a wedding...ha ha

Got it all wrong...mud brain with a sense of humor...lol

 

Top of the W

Love
Festival  in the Park

Can you imagine???  I was looking around my sewing room.

Searching in drawers for something...

Surprise came with these already assembled four patches...oooooo
Found in the bottom of a random drawer.

 

Jenny Doan helped me figure the plan.

I am off to the races!!

Disappearing four patch
 So quick and so fun...Missouri Star folks are way too clever!!!

  I was looking for my mat that goes round and round...but of course, I cannot find it.

Nothing will stop me now.

Oh...kids arriving...lol
I need a hole punch to make a few missing sight words for Lynsey...
I only have 4 hole punches...all missing in action
...Mud brain can only find staplers...AD/HD at its best.

Two happy thoughts on helpers.
When my sister started her move on Wednesday night, she had several folks lined up to help.
My daughter-in-law and her new boyfriend were the only ones to show up.
Aunt Brandy helped Evan with his homework tonight.
No fits...TBTG..Evan saves that for me...
I am so grateful!

Gifting Saves the Day

We have new neighbors..from Guatemala..new friends.
She was telling me that she has been here for about 18 years leaving her family behind.
She misses them.
She has her own family now...four children and a husband.
This morning, I stayed in bed until 11...once up, never opened the blinds.
Did nothing.  Felt crazy.
 I came upon an old Guatemala tablecloth I had picked up on my travels years ago.
Pays to be a hoarder...you see!!!!
I cut up the good parts and made some potholder/trivets for them.
The runner features the national bird of Guatemala, the Quetzal.

Then I opened the blinds.
 I took the garbage out and a child's dirty sock off the table.

 

The purples now  have a single packed space of their own.
But, wouldn't you know, they miss the yellows and are complaining about the oranges.
Just cannot win sometimes.!!!

My sister and Dylan have a very special relationship.

They love each other totally.

Here is Dylan with Charmaine's dog, Reece.....In her new apartment

Comfy on the window seat with the Ipad and pillow and dog and quilt and love.

With all my hysterical worrying about my sister, the angels took care of it.
I could have minded my own business.
Maybe the angels will take care of my son too.
Maybe they will even take care of me.
Nothing in my long experienced life or my mental health work could possibly have prepared me for the loss of my husband...nothing...nothing...nothing.

Zoe and I are going to sit on the screened in porch now and talk it over.

Cutting Corners, in the Rain

Putting Pumpkin to work...like everyone else around here!!

We have had a drought in Charlotte for two months..plants all saggy, now soggy.
Now rain. Yes!! 
 If I am not outside, how do I know??
Hmm..my knees, my legs, my hands, my shoulder...etc.
Naproxen and Tylenol..together....have not even hit it.

Getting not much done here..but looking through old magazines.
In the July 2014 issue of Quilty, I found this pattern that uses jelly rolls.

 Last year at Faust, we all got these Jelly Rolls for about $10 each...total good deal.

Sherry and Terri have made them up.

They are totally different...

I cut solid greens here and hope to join them with a finish.

I need something easy when I am in pain and stressed.

 

Someone, somewhere gave  me this article on grief.

It starts with:

Why does my body ache and feel numb at the same time?

Why can't I think straight?

Will I ever want to be anywhere but by myself in my own house?

That is exactly how I feel!!!  OMG

Maybe I am a bit normal after all:)

Ugh...it says stage 1..shock lasts up to 12 months..Jeeze Louize
Then stage 2...a couple of years...I gave up and did not even read...stage 3.
More depressed now.

When family take the children for the weekend, it takes me the entire two days
to get energy to be more myself...I need a whole week,
That will never happen.
The children need stability,
and with Granddaddy gone.
I am it. Ta Da!!
BTW
IYHO
Does anyone think office supplies are needed in a now defunct office????

Shout it out YELLOWS!!!

The totally good day Friday, Whew!!!

The supervisor!!!
The driver!!
The man!!




And off goes my sister to a new apartment in a cozy residential neighborhood.
And the angels sing..and her sister (moi) sighs with great relief!!!!

We are thanking angels of all sorts

Those above in the stars.

Those right down here on earth!!

My pit bulls and I are cozy here by the fire on a chilly autumn eve.
Zoe is thrilled with the canine company...
We are, once again...looking at yellows:)

I am moving the yellows to the other room..so they will not have to be double stacked.
And just because I can!! And, just because I want to!!

 Really, look at the pix next to the bookshelf...My mother and grandmother are gossiping.
In that picture, my mother is 71 and my grandmother is 95.!!!!
They are probably too busy to comment on my new use of the old office space...lol
Below are my 10 finished pillowcases:)

I am putting presents into a closed closet now...cuz I can never trust someone....
not to sleep on precious stuff.  Then I have to wash it again!!!

A friend had a seizure a few weeks ago.  She fractured a few lower disks in her back.
Now,  it seems that the MRI showed a mass on one side of her brain..
A big call out for hugs and prayers for our great quilting friend!!!

We love you Rhonda!!

The Night Owl

Look what I found amongst my Christmas fabrics.
...Something I started last year...or was it two years ago???
It seems more interesting tonight.
Total stress tonight about my sister's house closing tomorrow and all that that entails.
Not my house, I know..but....

 I have decided to organize my yellows instead of buying fabric
..as the midnight scary hour approaches.

 I am even glancing at my basket of food fabrics thinking about potholders...just thinking....

My sister is spending the night with me tonight..
A big...even bigger shout out to my future son-in-law for saving the day at her house today.
..like all day long..
They took out boxes and boxes.  He is an awesome organizer!!
U Haul is now full. 
My sister worries about nada...She just hums along...
I could use a little of that disposition...just a little..:)
And so another evening comes and goes...
I think I will wait up for her...off the computer of course...

Oh...my, an article.... 

The Wednesday adventures of Grandma O'Quilts

Hello, my name is Grandma O'Quilts...Today there was no school. 

 I took three children for dental check ups this morning. 

 Then had to bring one back for an extraction...all the way to Mint Hill....

Hello there...my name is Dylan and I am five.  I had a tooth pulled today and cannot wait until my very first tooth fairy experience...I am thrilled beyond belief!!

 Hello there...I am Lynsey and I am 6...I am having a scrap sorting experience...

I am learning cool colors, warm colors and neutrals.

So proud I am!!!

This afternoon Dylan and Grandma and Zoe were chillin in the yard welcoming fall...

We were thinking of our dentist,who worked all day in her crowded office on children's teeth.

She is 9 months pregnant and being induced tonight...

Like WOW!!

 Grandma treated herself by finishing 6 pillowcases..

I keep telling myself that it is only September and look what is ready for Christmas.

Last night ordered fabric I did not need from Hancock's of Paducah.

It was because I did not want to go to bed without my man.

From the outside looking in, I know it all... 

But, I am on the inside looking out.
I know nothing.

Obsessive behavior.. may look crazy to others, heck, it looks crazy to me.

Overeating chocolate, over collecting fabric, over worrying about my son,

It somehow keeps the grief at bay,. keeps the focus off the real deal.
It is my Morphine for my pain.
I miss Himself soooo!
I figure that it is my life and whatever works for me now..I will just do!!
And this is the season for atonement..Thinking about it.


RECHARGE
 begin over
start anew
do the things
you want to do

erase trivia
overlook crass
pick yourself up
or you'll fall
on your
EXCUSES

Alice Franzen Clemons Burt