Through My Eyes

 Freedom means choices....

Today, my walking did not end up in a big box store.  It ended up in the freedom of my own yard and my husband's wheelchair ramp.  Who would ever have known that I would now have need of it as well, holding on to the railings while I walk my exercises..

I kept my eyes wide open and re-discovered nature.  With many Nandina plants in my yard, until today, I never, ever noticed that some times in the year, they get red mottled leaves as well as berries.

My view over the fence into the common area where our many deer families roam.

Budding baby daffodils, harbinger of spring.

The green moss on the wheelchair ramp, revealing age can be beautiful.

The Rose

Bye bye Telefunken of 65 years in our family.  My sister had her friends help move it to her house.

Below...Observe the empty space.

My Disappearing Nine patch Christmas quilt still hanging

Change is upon us.

Before I had a morning epiphany, I was eating all the red, pink, white and purple  jelly beans from the family bag.  Then a better choice was made: heading for my own back yard.

Anna's Moses Basket for her upcoming grandbaby.

The basket itself is made from 1/2 sisal rope, wrapped in fabric strips.  It took 20 yards of fabric, cut into 2 inch strips, then folded like bias tape and pressed. Anna estimated that she put in about 100 hours weaving.  There is a thin piece of plywood in the bottom to give it some structure, she covered this with brown fabric and put a label on it.  Really, a work of love. Great job Anna.

Anna had no pattern. Our clever Anna, just figured it out herself.!!

Top finished...will do some brown thread work then send it to my son for basting.!

My girl did some neo-natal research study for the hospital where her Aoife was born.

With some of that money, she bought this doll...Aoifita??????

Reading this book, which is shamefully overdue at the library.

So far, I have only just begun,  I learned that Eleanor was almost 6 foot tall in small heels, that her mother choked to death in her early 30's from Diphtheria, that her father could not control his disease of addiction and fell from a fourth floor window to death while in a state of delirium.  He was 34.

Shall I return it to the library now, with its short hours due to Covid;  or should I continue to read.???

Links to love:

https://thefoldline.com/

I was looking at this English site and found that Bernie gloves are now famous all over.

That gave me a chuckle.  We do need chuckles now-a-days!!!

Walkin' Right Through That Fire....

The Rose

Trader Joe's has the best Christmas mint star cookies.

Lynsey was putting away the groceries when she spotted the two boxes I had bought for Christmas.

Here she is, putting them high in the living room bookcase, so the entire family can watch over them, just in case a sugar freak grandmother eats them before the holiday.  Whaa??????

Eamon has been working on a neighbor's car for a few days now.

He just cannot get the last two screws out..Guess who he grabbed away from Minecraft???

Yup...our Dylan..starting early.  And, Dylan was able to put his smaller hand in to get it out..He did it!!

Hawthorne Threads is my new favorite fabric shop online...I used to love Hancocks of Paducah but lately, the pickings are slim.  .Hawthorne's site is fabric candy  OMG...just to look is fun.They had a cyber sale, but before I found it, most things were sold out, not that I needed anything.Hawthorne Supply Company Is evidently the new name...love..

Whining below...you can ignore!!!

A harrowing day with joint pain at the grocery store.  Dylan and Lynsey took their own cart to get half of the items. She wiped down all our carts. They loaded the car.  They told me that I overdid things....As usual, Grandma.!!!!

Because of their helpfulness, I thought we could play canasta before bed.  One child sang, "Nanny, nanny boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.." laughing annoyingly hysterically.  The other one....well do you know how a male AD/HD 10 year old plays cards???  He jumps in place. He runs up and down around the chairs., He drops the cards...OMG

They fight over who is cheating and who is not.  They argue on card placement. They accuse each other of not playing right.  Guess my expectations of a relaxing card game with my darlings...was way out of whack.

Dylan pulled the blinds down so hard that they broke.  Lynsey decided in between turns to make red velvet cake. My brain is fried. I have not sewn in days.  I had to cancel a fun visit due to exhaustion.

More today as Lynsey told me that the only place she can concentrate on social studies is in my sewing room with Alexa screaming some new age music.

My son and Dylan sleep so deeply that waking them is a chore...a big chore.  After Dylan missed the bus this morning, i ordered online, two alarm clocks for deaf folks..they have a loud alarm and a vibrating pad for under the pillow...stay tuned!!

There is no sewing around here...none...zip..I am stuck looking out the window playing Freecell. I have started behaving like the children. ..zoning out..... Would like to go to Tuesday morning to get the Christmas candy, but I am scared to...Scared to leave  my house.  Covid 19 is creeping up and up here in the Carolinas.

In between remote learning classes, this girl decided to make some mug rugs...Her way of course.

No seams, only applique...Here I am teaching her how to rotary cut for the first time ever...I insist she wear one of the gloves that protect the hand.  Teaching a bit of measuring. too.

This week has held tons of stress for Grandma O'Quilts.

Good thing is that my hairdresser of  21 years came by...On the sidewalk, she cut my hair.

It lifted my mood..  My mother used to call the hairdresser, a miracle worker.

 Grief and Covid and holidays equals huge stress.  I am exhausted. It was pouring rain in Charlotte.  I stepped outside to admire the holiday lights my son put up.  I smelled a fire from the neighbor's fireplace.  It takes me right back to good family times....but instead of a warm fuzzy   I get an anxiety attack.  That is what PTSD is...A person is strong and strong and strong during the crisis..and once that has been survived with the help of friends, then the strength goes away as the anxiety comes... I love Megan Devine and her grief links and her book.  She reminds us that gratitude and grief ride side by side. A person is not denying one by expressing the other.

Just sayin'  if I was younger and stronger, for sure I would climb up and eat those Christmas cookies right now!!!!

The Buzz of the Dragon

Mr and Mrs O'Quilts laugh and love each other xoxo

My daughter, Emily..at 19 months, taking her first stitches..Yeah, Emily xo
Making, by the way, her own stroller quilt..😍

Some feed sack squares from Lucy's estate. Thank you Lucy xo

Number 12 is also used in my Swedish flag quilt...yet to be done...

Number 12

There is a low volume buzz everywhere...in my mind, in the air, a buzz in my ear..

I have been slaying the dragon for 5 years now..

The day of diagnosis to the day of death to now.

At first check, I want to say that I am not very good at slaying..

Considering the type of dragon, ALS,
I have actually become quite good.

Folks wonder why I am not fixed yet.

The P in Post Traumatic Stress....Is for post..as in after.

As in seeing the Hoyer lift years after he has died.

As in watching him unable to talk or breathe.

As in having to communicate with the alphabet board.

As in having young children, 3, 4 and 8 running around the bed,  in adoration of their granddaddy, paralyzed in the bed, one limb at a time.
As in them saying goodbye to Granddaddy before going to the school bus..but he was already dead
and no one knew it.  He was on the breathing machine with his heart going up and down.

As in seeing him dead, when I continued to advocate for him.

I did not know he was dead...I could not know it.

I hated to know it.  It could not be true.

It still cannot be true.

He was my everything.  I loved him so.

This is the buzz I live with, some days better than others.

Memories to cheer the day
Our first trip to Ireland once the adoptions were final.

 Being baptized Catholic...by Uncle Brendan

My two guys...love

Songs to sustain me...

When I Go
A Better Man
The Rose

When is Good,.... Good Enough...????

I went to my fourth quilter estate sale yesterday.

The abundance of collectible was free.

But, not free of memories.

And, not free of angst.

Clearly my photography skills are weak
This pretty quilt does not show well..
Art and color cleanse me.

My drawer full of 30's fabric...where are my Grace bits...this baby's name is Grace!!!

In fabric, is it the color?

Is it the lighting...showing the soul and reflecting the heart.

Is it the feel or the possibilities..

Why do I have such hope for fabric and not for....

My fabric collection spans 50 some years.

I hope that my friends and family have a party as...
 they divvy up my passion.once I fly on..

Working on this quilt now, quilting done...do I need more quilting???
  Is it good enough/?
The baby probably will not mind...but the fabric artist does...

Age 70 requires a review of one's life...
I had a great life...no regrets at all..
It was more than good enough.  It was brilliant...
I just want more of it...more and more...
What is my future...??  Really...did I forget, again.... that I am not in control??

Links to my man and my mother...down memory lane..again...always..

HImself....my dear man..xoxo
He told me that when he died, I should not worry about going downtown to make sandwiches for the homeless...that raising the children and making quilts were enough.
Funny how he read my mind...
Even now, I feel like I am not doing enough.
I have the affliction of more....
 On my lovely weekends alone, I cuddle in a quilt or two, sit in my recliner, read a book and doze off,
cats in my lap, dog at my feet..
Maybe my man was right.  Then maybe he was not.

And so I sleep and I sew and I love my grands and my friends.
This article brought more tears to my eyes.
Why Grief Lasts so Long..
.April 14th he will be three years gone.

And so, in order to try to steady myself in serenity, I am taking a break from:
My Naranon group...as I hate addiction and am sick of talking about it for now...
My ALS support group...as I hate ALS and am sick of ALS
Phone calls from my son, as I am fragile and have a great need for self-care.
I do not want to hear about his angst.
Or, listen to him asking for money, when no money ever comes in this direction, to help.

Tonight I was able to review these posts, and read the comments....
I felt warm fuzzies instead of just pathos..

My mother's death...The Butterfly and the Gift

My broken heart...reports....My husband's death...

Today, I napped a million times, I celebrated thawed water in the dog's bowl.
I had lunch with my sister...a rare delight..
Tonight,  blogging and finishing this baby quilt....
....as soon as I decide if it is good.....good enough.

ps  As I review these old posts, I am infused with music love...here is another:
The Rose

New Post, Old Post

The sixth grader..slouches, earplugs in...all absorbed in winding bobbins!!

We now celebrate our dear Evan

Teachers report that today he has re-taken his exams and done very well.

We all freaked when our A student failed two finals...

He just did not know how to study.

Now I am getting emails on how smart, such a good worker...etc..

Bursting with pride.

Tonight, he fretted that he...does not like the "no weekday " electronic rule!

All the children take advantage of Grandma's rules when Mommy visits....

including Mommy.

I gave Evan a consequence of going to bed 30 min early tonight,

or missing the electronics on Friday night.

He chose the former...smart boy.

He was at odds.with "nothing to do".

Alas..after much moping...he decided to fill bobbins for me and use the radio to help him.

He took the radio from up stairs, plugged it into his I-pad, attached his earplugs to the I-pad, 

The radio was plugged in to the wall.

The I-pad was plugged into the radio.

The earplugs were plugged into the I-pad

The earplugs were plugged into the boy....for music....and..
Evan was plugged into his.sewing machine.

Quite a sight...

My Grandboy WOUND 31 bobbins for me on his own sewing machine as I sat at the computer.
He chose what  colors a quilter should need.

So proud..so happy...so helpful.

OOPs...time gone by so fast missing bedtime
Old grandma was totally happy with her blind eye.

Time well spent.

Big problem..
Evan said that he could not sew because I dumped all my stuff on his sewing table!!
Really, who would do that.????
Now...his table is all clean, bobbins all wound and neat.
and MY table,, MY sewing room MY fabric...is big awful mess..
Grandma promised not to mess HIS table again....
I so wish I had  bought more chocolate ice cream.
I just might have promised the impossible.

Another block made for a friend...It is called 30's Pinwheel in a square!
Fun and easy...

, I am auditioning more choices for my Civil War sampler.
I hate what I had planned before..
 I see this strip is too dark.
Sometime it takes putting it out there to see the mistake,
And to share the process with all the world.. to see.

When my Dear Man died, I took his "hospital" room for my second quilting room
I thought, for sure that I would have so much space..
I would  be tidy forever.
NOT!!!
God help me, I need organizational help.(among other things)

The spring in Charlotte...the summer for Lynsey
The fall for my love....no one knowing the winter was soon.
It is Time to Say Goodbye

 My love I miss  you so...

 My favorite photo.

Mother, with your quick wit and your beloved words, your big heart of love.
I never knew that you were old.
This picture was you!!  Yes, you....coming home from lunch bunch in February.
You fell from your wheelchair in May, the day before your birthday.
Maybe 93 was old for some, but not for my mother.

Life as I knew it, was shattered in an instant.
The Prayer

Then...The Rose
The pain of loss and the comfort of grace..

Always with me every second of every day.

The Rose

Just a few bowl covers without the elastic yet!!


Please tell me why the great success of my knee surgery brings
a huge wave of grief....This is how it goes:
"Honey...Guess what?...I can walk now...Take my hand and let's do
all those things we wanted to do in retirement...Oh!! Too late!!
You are dead...stolen by ALS!

The Rose

Just remember, in the winter

far beneath the bitter snows

lies the seed, that with the sun's love

In the spring becomes the rose.

Time to Say Goodbye
Lyrics to Time to Say Goodbye