Thursday, September 3, 2015

MIxed up

Tonight's endeavors..
 And, a little  light on the subject!
I bought an item from Bee in my bonnet
 I might have something already like it..but where, who knows?? 
Nice not to have to press or draw a line for the triangles.
The above quilt pattern is also from Bee in my Bonnet...but I forget which one.
 Trying it out, moving the speed to medium...working fine,
 but I have to wait till next Wednesday for Sherry to check out the position.
Getting crabby after finding out that Mr.O'Quilt's PayPal account has been hacked.
Grrrrr. Lucky me had closed that account.
So,I only have bouncing fees to negotiate with the bank.
I must say that I got absolutely furious that he had gone and died and left me with a hacked PayPal account.
My poor Dear..had to have ALS and have his wife mad too(:

And then the  love...the five year old's creative nighttime adventure.
"Grief turns out to be a place that none of us knows till we reach it."
  As I finished reading..The Year of Magical Thinking...
I felt so fragile and angry at the world, I had to put away my love's pictures.
I just had to.
Grief is crazy.
Just after I did that, I sat at the computer to write this post
When just outside was a huge, I mean huge bird..an owl-like creature
on my bottle tree.
Was that my man coming back, mad at me?
I grabbed my camera right by the window, but the bird flew away.
Fleeting like faith, hope, spirit, soul....
Unable to be captured by film

Five months a widow.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

True Grit

 Or why  I love IKEA

The new rug for Dylan...He loves it already..
 And for the old lady with the eye problem...so perfect!!

I am writing about this again...for my own perspective...trying...
In the past two years, life as I knew it drastically changed.  It will never be the same.
My husband was diagnosed with ALS...22 months later..dead.
My mother fell out of her wheelchair and broke her neck.  7 days later...dead.
My son and his wife arrested for drugs and me the new guardian of 3 grands.
I had to retire to take care of it all.
My only son continues in drastic Heroin free-fall.
My sister lost her house and will be moving in 24 days with nowhere to go.
She is getting a divorce.
Concussion symptoms that had been gone for 2 years came back with the stress.
Melanoma rose in a three week period to scare the doo-doo out of me.
Money changed.
Life shakes me....I am.held up by earth angels.

IF ONLY
Your picture smiling 
In my room is not 
Enough for me-I
Want to touch you
Hold you close
Enjoy your company

A hundred-fifty things
Are waiting there to do

IF ONLY

You could be with me
And I could be with you
                                                    Alice Franzen Clemons Burt

 That my mother's poetry books would continue to sustain  me...
Who would have known
That she would be able to write them and publish them in her 80s
Who would have known..
xxoo

Monday, August 31, 2015

From the White Horse on the Merry-Go-Round


My sister is losing her house and has 24 days to be out..so far, she has no place to go.
All the things that we split from my grandmother's death and from my mother's death are coming to my house. My grandmother's sister Alma made this.
.Alma died 60 some years ago.
I promised my grandmother I would restore it, but I gave it to my sister to restore instead.
Now......??

This is a table cloth from our house growing up...maybe 45 years old.
I cut out the bad and was saving it to make an apron but gave it to my sister.
Now???
I can get rid of nothing..nothing at all.
Mud brain thinks that things bring security.
Here is my cutting table.  I have two big tubs of scraps..
Somehow more ended up on my cutting table.
Along with a horse I made from an abandoned quilt.... for my baby daughter.
My daughter is 32 now.
 I do not have enough yellows, so I cut up a shirt of Dylan's
 
Today: Eye exam..no can see.
Nap
Lunch with friend.
Nap
Evan to his therapist
Nap
Michael's Craft Store with ACMoore 60% off coupon
500 new pins...
Nap
 
And tonight I re-read this book: Widow book number 7 and I  had read it 10 years ago.
It is now going to the library.
Information is power...and control...??????
Maybe I had better keep reading??
Things I am reminded of today:
No matter how much you love an addict, they still lie and use drugs.
My Mr. O'Quilts is not coming back.
I too will die someday..
Dylan is not a girl.  Second week of Kindergarten, he came home with a black mark in  behavior.
According to Dylan...he only colored on someone's shirt. 
 And, he only touched someone with scissors...but they were closed....
Chocolate is gone, so I had popcorn...not as good.
Red wine is gone, so I had white...not as good.
I am not as young as I was and it ain't going to change,
.... no matter how many times I ask Santa.

TRANSITORY
dead wood in the desert
driftwood on the strand
dreams and dunes together
lost in sifting sand.
                                              Alice Franzen Clemons Burt

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Seeing the Light

Seeing the light???
 What I see is that there needs to be better lighting in that design wall room.
This is where I am with this quilt.
It was supposed to be grey and orangish...I was playing around with the colors.
Not sure it is working, but we will see....
 I have decided that my love would not mind a block mixed with two different shirts..
At the end of the weekend, with my granddarlings all tucked in bed, I am seeing the light.
I am seeing tonight what my friends, my family and the teachers are telling me.
I am doing a great job with the children.
 In December, it will be two years that they have been living with Grandma.
They are healthy and growing and happy.

For the first time ever, they not only have beds of their own, but rooms of their  own.
Evan has been going to trauma therapy to deal with the neglect and abuse he witnessed while living with parents in active addiction.  He is healing and I am grateful.
Dylan has an IEP in place for his speech.  Evan has a 504 plan in place for his ADD.
Because this is an area of my expertise from 35 some years in mental health,
I have been able to advocate in the schools
for the children to have the best possible schooling.

Evan has been behind since he missed much of Kindergarten.
 He was 77 times tardy that year.
The first year I had him, he had perfect attendance.
He has a wonderful tutor and many people who love him.
He is learning keyboarding. He is applying to be a 5th grade hall patrol.
 All three are in the second year of Karate.

They have regular supervised visitation with their parents.
They have regular visitation with their maternal aunt and uncle and cousins.
They love my sister and my daughter and her man.
They are stable, they have friends.
They are blossoming.

The only thing missing is Granddaddy.
Sad...but we are all dealing with this together..
I am grateful for all my encouragement and support during these tough times.
It is a good life.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Saturday Night

This on the design wall tonight..tomorrow will be brighter.


Fine...everyone has vacation but poor old Grandma here...
MP in Ireland, MW on the beach, KG in London, EM in Minneapolis, etc.
But, I have three friends here tonight to enjoy the evening with me:
Mr. Breyers, Ms. Hancocks of Paducah and Janome...so there!!

Of course, I did not use this terrible word and I did not write this...but oh...do I love it.
Of course, I may have already posted it...but..I am allowed..
Of course, I have mud brain.




After the children are on the bus early in the morning,
I see the dew rising in the meadow and I feel your presence..
The home we loved together.
Missing you.


My yard looked like death  itself with grass up to the windows and weeds galore.
Grateful today...my nephew mowed the grass,
And, my sister pulled weeds and fixed the bottle tree.
 So so happy...Tonight I bumped into a dear friend.
She gave me the ol' potholder motivation.
Guess I will start on the holiday thing now.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Gone Quite Daft, I am Afraid!!

I spray basted on the kitchen counter and I did not die.
It was dark outside and my table was gone.
 I love this simple quilt. I love the blending of colors and the whole karate theme.
I am calling it Karate Blossom
 Here  is a picture in the laundry room with LED lighting
 And on the living room carpet.
 The absolutely wonderful batik backing from IKEA
Today is week 19 of being a widow..and if you have never been a widow...well,
You may not know why I need to go on and on and on about it.
I am crazy...
Yesterday, I had a very normal energetic wonderful day..only the second since my love died., April 14.
Today, I was nuts again.
Dizzy, panic, heart beating loudly that surely people notice.

I see before me the black abyss.
My widow support group told me that I was too fragile to go to Patsy's funeral(:
Finally, tonight I decided to free-motion this quilt.
As soon as I got my rhythm  on...all the anxiety went away.
I am told all of this is normal grief.
I cannot believe that..clearly I am crazy.
I hate it.

Change is good...You go first!!!

Here they go....First Grade, Kindergarten and Fifth grade.
 Dylan's first day of Kindergarten...all now on the same school bus:)

In the morning hush after the children left for school, I thought of you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
Mary Frye (1932)

Sunday, August 23, 2015

The Good Stuff

I have eaten my way through ALS for 22 months, and I was not even the patient.  M&Ms are now gone from the stash and Oreos are no more.
It is a small step toward recovery.
This weekend brought 14 hours of sleeping since my somewhat saintly sister took the two smallest grands for the night...Evan, my dear is no trouble at all..In fact on Saturday, he scrambled eggs by himself for the family and got his siblings all tied and ready 
for Karate graduation...A huge help!!
As for Karate..a new baby is coming for the teacher in November.
Head start here with the top finished.
I love all the fabrics and am pleased with new Isabella's quilt top.
 Lynsey and Evan start school tomorrow.  
With Lynsey asleep, I decided to teach Evan Canasta.
My grandmother taught me the game so she could have someone to play with..lol.
Guess I have inherited that one...
Since he is so good in math...he had that score all in his head as we played.
At the end, he already knew he had trounced his old grandma.
He even made himself some tea with milk like he used to make for Granddaddy!!
Kindergarten starts Tuesday, then all will be in school.
Really, my wonderful bed is on my gratitude list!
 

Friday, August 21, 2015

Friendships and Finishes...

So love a finish.  Evan helps Grandma show off the small snowball quilt.
Tony and his wife have a field of flowers.
He brought presents for all of us in the pool in little empty medicine containers.
How nice is this??
Then Glinda brought me a present of Kudzu art.
Kudzu is a crazy Southern plant that grows wild all over the South.
This lady dyed it and compressed it into quilt pictures.
Glinda and I are both miracle concussion survivors.
Now, we are both back in the pool exercising away.
Poor lighting but sewing. One more of Mr. O'Quilt's shirts cut into blocks.
Good news:  My sister has sold her house as is..'
Thank you Drenna for the great realtor who got 3 bids and a sale in just one week.
She closes and moves to an apartment on September 25.
Boxes are coming to my garage.
At least 8 boxes of fabric.
Maybe I will snoop:)
I am a tiny bit better these days.
I am going to school open house and loading backpacks, etc.
All three darlings will be in the same great school.
Kindergarten, First grade and Fifth grade...
Bus comes at 7:15 on Monday morning.
Grandma back in bed by 7:16
Brilliant!!!

The Generational Room for Lynsey

Lynsey is getting her first room of her own....ever.....
 Uncle Brian and Aunt Emily painted it her favorite color, purple.  Family pass downs galore.
The cat hanger on the wall is from Aunt Emily's childhood;
 the needlepoint chair from Great-grandma.
The side table from her father's childhood room..
Dolly bed from Aunt Brandy.
Quilt 16 patch stitched by yours truly of some Liberty prints
 brought by Cousin Ann from London.
Even Anna Marie Horner visited with the bird fabric above the bed.
 Her baby quilt made by Grandma here..
 My bean lamp from wine jug of my hippie years, still bug free.
Check out the bottles of "spider spray" to be sure nary a spider 
reaches her new pony sheets.
Thanks to Aunt Emily and her essential oils..
Great-great Grandma's chest of drawers with the quilt basket hanging
 made by Aunt Charmaine years ago.
Book cases from Great-Grandma's place.
 Uncle Brian helps Evan assemble the IKEA bed for sister Lynsey.
Small joys making a big impact; family working together to make it happen.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Earth Angels...

The most unbelievable thing came in the mail today from Beth  (Smazoochie) in Houston.
Unbelievable..
A quilt made with love and inspiration, called
 "The Unbroken Muldoon Family Chain"
Enough happiness for me to take 2 selfies!!! (My first two ever:) lol...
When the days are fraught with grief and sadness, I will hold this close.
Tomorrow will be the first time for my therapy quilt for I am going to Patsy's funeral.
I will hold it on my lap for courage. I hate being reminded of ALS,
I hate of driving so far..I might get lost.
I hate the sadness of funerals...but for Patsy...I will go.
Patsy died Saturday after 6 years of paralysis and suffering with ALS.
She rose above it all and was brave and strong and true.
We were all braver because of Patsy.
If our Muldoon comfort quilt was not enough..Beth added two great books.
I cannot wait to cuddle down and check them out.
Comfort is surely in quilting books!!
And then I saw this on the ALS support group website..
People are just so brave.
"This Old Guy"

ps ps ps  Mud Mud brain Me.....Than u Cecy....your phone call had me read the obit again ...
patsy' funeral is NEXT week instead
Praise the Lord...

Friday, August 14, 2015

Sew Random


NOTHING IS THE SAME
Rain on the roof is different now.
Sunset lacks its rosy hue.
Evening stars flicker and fade
Yet the wind still wails for you.
                                                         Alice Franzen Clemons Burt

Look what came from my sister's house...The Guatemala doll for PJs..that my daughter used 30 years ago.
How perfect for Lynsey.  And beside it my son's racoon..from forever ago..
1.  Mackyton...I do not know you...thank you for the wonderful comment on Cinco de Mayo.
 My mother was born in Boston...Did you know her?
2.  Gisela...thank you too...I can not comment on your blog or even email you because I am not on Google connect. Is there another way?
3.  Lively Monkey, I have lost your email address...Thank you too

AS WE SUFFER
Rock us in your arms, O Wind
Caress us with your warmth, O Sun
Wash us with your tears, O Rain
That we may begin to live again.
                                                   Alice Franzen Clemons Burt

Below is a piece I am naming..."Brain in the Mud"  Trying to be efficient, I made ahead a number of blocks.
Sadly I cut them 5" instead of the 4.5" that the pattern called for...It is the grey blocks, the Indian Hatchet.
Now what????  I sew do not want to take them all apart..ugh..
I had to get out of the house tonight with my mud brain.
Went to Target to get some sheets for the kids' new rooms
I spied some thin Oreos...Well, said she...I will just Try those.
That is all she wrote as she eats her way through grief, one pound more each day.

Just to end this post...
The dog ate some rotten animal and her breathe is something to behold.
Zoe...I sooo did not need this!!!
 PS...Now at 10 pm, I decide to read about widows...average age of being widowed in US is 55 to 57.  60% of widows get a very serious illness within the first 12 months...(I hope Melanoma counts here) and 27% die....So is it the ingestion of the thin oreos???  Or do I now have a mental health disorder...that I would be researching all this late at night?????
OMG

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Passing....Passing it on...

Tonight is a sad and anxious night...ALS is stirring that nasty pot once again and a friend will soon be on her way to life's  last great adventure...
A brave and wonderful leader...xxoo Patsy...You are surrounded by love.
But...I am selfish..and every loss brings back the memories of past losses..
Mine are too raw right now.
Beside vino tinto...how can that anxiety be tempered...
You guessed sewing...So smart you are!!!!.
Tonight, I have ripped up Mr.O'Quilt's suit jacket and with the help of the
I have made a small bowl for my sewing room.
I miss you, my love, but I am finding all kinds of ways to keep you close:) xxoo

Among my losses....are my gains...hmmmm

Grandma....wake up...I wet the bed...Ok..just let me sleep a bit longer...
NO...Grandma...I wet the bed and dreamed that there was a snake biting my toe...
K..Just strip your bed and go back to sleep...No..I am getting up..Ok. 
And then....He is a liar???  She called me a robot butt???
A robot butt??? 
 Grandma would not cry if someone called  her a robot butt..!!!!!.
Why are  YOU crying..???  OMG
I am exhausted...They are going to camp early. This one starts at 8 am:)
Lynsey...day two of cheer camp.
Now they want the kids to sign up for lessons, especially Lynsey.
No money for that...but a fun camp.
On the way to visit my nun....I got a peak...a glimpse of what I could possible become..
.Just sayin'
I could be brave like my husband, 
 I could be brave like my mother, 
I could be brave like my grandmother..
I could be brave like Patsy...
Just maybe..
an outside chance, but still a chance....

Unfortunately, every time I sit down to chill in my recliner, this old lady falls asleep????
What is that about??

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

Dylan took his brother's wallet to his new camp today.  He had hidden it in his lunch box.
He passed out $101 to all the kids there so they too could buy candy and coke in the vending machine. 
 When the owner saw him, he was able to recoup $60 of it..
Five year old Dylan said that he could not find his own wallet, so he just took his brother's...
Sigh...Dylan went to bed early...had to give his bro..his own dollar and 10 cents..
Trials of poor old grandma!!! lol

Muggs' boat quilt top done...:)
 And, guess what came today in time to be washed and pieced so the quilt can be basted tomorrow night??
Thank you Cousin Ann...some sunshine on a cloudy day
 
 And, Sandy....back from a month teaching in China brought me this silk tidbit to inspire..
 17 weeks a widow...no words..hollow heart..empty space.