Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Soul Friend and more

The pose with tulips for the 60 million tulips......... representing Parkinson's Disease.
Mom...see we are still cheering you on.
The roses of Mr. O'Quilts.
Stunningly beautiful in person.
I should have had a garden party.
When he died, I wanted to get rid of them all...too painful.
Evan said...no Grandma...I helped plant them.
This is why it is good to wait a year after death to change anything.
Today, they bring beauty and comfort...so very glad.

Every day my  knee gets worse as does the pain.
Walking is impossible.
I just moved up my knee replacement operation to June 13th...gotta get it done,
scaredy cat or not!

Katie is making a Postage Stamp Quilt
Tute from Red Pepper Quilts
Thought I would try one,
Grabbed some 2.5 inch strips..guess I will make a basket of strips to interchange.
Befuddled with last border on the log cabin..
Everything went so smoothly designing this quilt, until now.
I have tried black and grey and blues..ugh...I so wanted to baste it tomorrow nte.
This, one of many, looking wrong.. I still have tomorrow to try more..
OH...I just see now some more ideas...It takes posting the work to see more clearly.
Next, I will try red stripes...

I was going to the Charlotte Modern Quilt Guild
tonight...but I am in too much pain.
If Mr. O'Quilts were  here, he would have driven me. He would have hugged me.
He would have told me that it would get better.
Pain in the heart distorts.
Pain in the body distorts..
Carrying on.

I have decided to re-read, Anam Cara
Read the section on death.
Awesome, so glad I did.

Sewing and reading and friendships, new and old,
carry me through my trauma.
And once gain and forever more:
Thank the good Lord I have great friends.

Hi "m"...ha ha..I have left 5 messages on your blog..lol
Pls give me your email address again.
xxoo

Ps...DIL just called...another of her good friends just overdosed on Heroin and died.
Another...one more...on and on it goes.
In the Arms of an Angel
Crying...sad...bereft. I understand.

Addiction....I hate you.
ALS....I hate you
Parkinsons....I hate you.

I told my DIL about Eithne...who makes and gives things away in her son's name.
Such a lovely way to give meaning.
Finding gratitude today.

Friday, April 22, 2016

It is all about Balance

This very proud Grandma is thrilled to show you
Two black belts and
one brown belt!!
My darlings have come a long, long way!!
Two and a half years with Grandma.
I love them so.
 A big thanks to Aunt Brandy and Uncle Steve for bringing their family
...... to Karate graduation last night.
Wonderful!!
Working a bit here tonight mixing balance, color and busyness..
 Thinking of one last border...such a fun quilt.
Friday nights are hard...made better by widow group dinners
and sewing. Looking down the barrel of losing mixed couple friends and
cementing friendships just for me.
Thank God I have always been able to think on my feet.
That does me well in a crisis...or two...or .....three..or more!!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

High on the Show...low on the Tell...

Baby Button's I-spy quilt
 Quilt delivered...baby to be delivered soon!!
Buttons is the last name...buttons on the quilt...lol
 As my mood changes speed...Again, I found the energy to play here.
Today:  Emotional relief, late lunch with the bride to be,
energy to go to one store to look for my wedding outfit..OMG
Wedding in two weeks.
Mother of the bride working on her sanity!!!!
p.s.  DIL just called to see if she could come tomorrow to work on the quilt she is  making....
My, my, my...they always know how to work me!

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Movin' On Out.......once more...

Someone reading someone a story.
 Sit and Sew today at my house...10 lovely women and
8 lovely sewing machines.  After lunch, my anniversary despair started to lift TBTG
I finished a quilt.  We had great laughs..and tonight I started playing with these blocks.
Besides the Sit and Sew, my self-care regime included a Naranon meeting...
Topic was..."Do not deny our children the dignity of figuring things out for themselves"
Very helpful as I saw my son tonight.

Continued self-care sent my sister, niece and Ms Stephanie to the children's visitation at the park with their Daddy. (I stayed home)  
I was the driver to the bus stop, Evan wanted to come with his Daddy.  
It was a very positive touching 30 minutes while we waited for his bus.  
He was in great shape.  My heart filled with joy as I watched him interact with Evan.
So nice to feel happy and normal tonight.
Relief!!!
A Huge thanks to:
My blogging friends, my Charlotte friends, my family and all my supports.
xxoo




Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Day that was....the one year mark



My Love
It is a year now since you got out of our car and into the angels'.
I know you are doing more of God's work on this next journey of yours.
It is the right thing for you.
Left behind is me.

 Without you, who am I, my heart broken so.
The grief of loving you
It is irrational,
 Grief hacks at me until I am a ghost of who I was.
I always wanted to be like you.
Then I realized that you would never have married yourself.
 I am OK being me.

At dusk, when the deer run in the field, I think of you.
In the dawn, when the rising sun brings the dew.  the birds are singing you here with me.
I have completed my alphabet, putting the letters A...L...S back in.
I am trying to accept life on life's terms.

The line is drawn.
I will go on.

Attributed to Itshak Perlman, when he played his violin with a broken string,
is the quote:
"My job is to make music with whatever I have left."
That is my new motto:

Twelfth of Never


Wednesday, April 13, 2016

So Scrappy Bad

Every quilt group I go to, I bring my little blue machine and I work on this scrap quilt.
I had a big box of 1.5 inch strips.  Monday at the Queen Bee group, I finished them all.
The next day I sized them and ironed them and started to play with them



Good thing I had this distraction.  Because..the doo doo hits the fan and I cannot stop it.
I have lost my mind twice in 3 years..Once at the pharmacy when I cried and cried and no one could console me
That was last year.  My buddy from Vietnam, the bagger had to hug me and go inside the grocery store and apologize for me.
This past weekend was the second...I cried and lamented and shut myself in the house for two days with the blinds shut as I over reacted to a school issue...Like I said last time, my Pinata broke open and it was quite a bit more stuff coming out than the school..apologies all around as I recovered.
Today is not good either.
I am just back from a 2 hour appt with the ortho guy...knee replacement scheduled June 20
Evidently it is a big deal.  My knee is so bad that my leg is bowing.
If I do not do it...Bad
If I do do it...Bad
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the death of my Mr.O'Quilts.
Bad
I am a baby with medical things.
He is not here to hold my hand.  I have to suck it up.  Not my style.
Bad
There is no chocolate in the house.
Bad, very Bad.
Did I say BAD

Monday, April 11, 2016

The transformation

OMG
I just heard from my love!!
He said for me to practice self-care or I would be loony forever more.
He heard about the school issue that broke my pinata.
I am better now..gonna listen to my man.

Now we do not even see a jelly roll.
We see pretty baby quilt.
Going to find a cute girl backing in my stash!
 

This is hilarious!!!

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Lighten up Lady...just lighten up

The most hysterical two days ever...OMG
Going off the freaking deep end.
I think that the year's anniversary brings to light the enormity of my loss.
Fear, anxiety, fatigue, tears..over-reacting to everything different.
Trying to remember this:
.
How did I survive..???
My little blue friend and I went outside in the wind and sewed.
This fabric is so much cuter in person.
When it came today from Courtney in a lovely card,
I would have cried...but I was already crying.
Perfect timing...Thank you Courtney..you saved the day!

A neighbor needed to talk...I got outside myself.
Then, I made these little nothings..
Ago,I had ordered a really, really inexpensive jelly roll...no wonder...it had very few strips/
Jellyrolling it I see that all the colors are clumped together..ugh.
An applique in the middle should make it into a baby quilt...
.I went to part of Pat Sloan's applique class Thursday.
If, like the Serenity Prayer says....I can control nothing and no one..... but myself,
Then let me sew!!
xxoo

The Light and the Dark

Me thinks with a sorely needed new car, I might install this!!
If road rage came....I could just pull to the side of  the road and chill.
I know that it is against the law in North Carolina to text while driving.
But, this...of course... is legal!!
I think I like Andrea's Notebook!!
I wish that no one else ever has to lose a love to ALS.
The despair goes on and on and on.
.The caring for and loving the ALS patient brings:..
Watching someone you love die a slow paralyzing death is:
Trauma

ps...My girl and her guy did the ALS walk today in Charlotte.
I love you both.!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

For the Good Times

The good news.
Yesterday, Evan had his chance to visit with his dad.
Eamon was in great shape.
When he got off the bus, 10 year old Evan ran into his father's arms.
My ripped heart.
I am grateful that my son is still alive.
 Fun in the park, father and son eating together.
Grandma supervising with her quilting book.
After a three hour touching visitation, both Evan and I were wiped out.
Here, he asks if he could wind some bobbins for me...what color did I need?.
Could you ever!!!
Thank you, dear boy.
 With one eye on the bedtime clock and one eye on the Accuquilt cutter, 
he offered to cut some scraps.  Grandma could not say no..to that great offer!!
After he was in bed, I had fun messing around with pieces he had cut.
Voila...these two blocks.
Evan was amazed this morning, at the result from his cutting enthusiasm.


Today..
 I am reminded of a quote in the Naranon book.
"Remember all people are always changing.When we judge them, we judge on what we believe we know of them. failing to realize that there is much we do not know, and that they are constantly changing as they try for better or worse to cope with life.  Give others credit even as all of us struggle; give them credit for attempts at progress, even if their changes are not apparent, and above all give them credit for having had many victories which are unknown.  We are all of the same cloth, though of a different cut."

Yesterday's visit with my son was so different than the day before.  He was in good shape.  He had bought a small phone with the money he  had earned working. 
 He had gone to the shelter for help instead of staying on the street. 
 I am reminded to stay in the day.
I am reminded that I am not in charge.
I am reminded to have hope.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Thru the Light Darkly

Eleven days till the one year anniversary of the death of my love.
A gloomy day for me.
 Outside my sewing room window,  once again,
the sun shines thru the bottle tree, lighting the yard with happiness. 
I try to incorporate that into my soul.
Remembering that life is too short to feel hapless.


I love my son.
I was excited when he sounded so good, out of jail, He had two months to detox, recovering.
Alas, his disease is too powerful.
He did not go to a halfway house, he did not go to meetings, he did not get a sponsor.
He is back homeless on the street.
My heart...
I think I will make a broken heart potholder.

Red Pepper Quilts featured a new line:

Having the money and being a fabric addict, etc
I could be quite attracted to this new exciting fabric....
Alas, it would not bring Mr.O'Quilts back.
It would not make my son sober.
It would not bring my mother back.
Etc...You get the picture.
 I let be.... the blacks and the whites.

 Forestalling tears, I went outside for a bit, in the crisp Carolina Blue.
Then I sewed...as he said...making  something pretty to show.!!

Here, from Amy Ellis via Baby Lock site, comes a beginners Lucky Block
It just .took a second.  I never before have saved 2.5x2.5 inch blocks.  Now I will.
Memories are lifting me up.
Back outside.
I see the 50 year old Dogwood tree...blooming again, despite Himself being gone.
 Stray Azaleas beside my Grandmother's rusty table, rescued from the Arizona homestead.
 The large green Bradford Pear tree enhanced by Carolina Blue.
I bought that tree for $7 at Walmart 15 years ago.
 Yearly show begins with Clematis..
 And my Love's first rose of the season.
How could it not be blurry.. Wondering  How Can it Bloom at all????
My book and I will now visit with the millions of tiny green inch worms.
Life is still sweet.

Friday, April 1, 2016

As My World Turns Today.......

Had lunch with Tori .  She supports her cousin by sporting an Autism hairbow.
 All the children in their family are wearing them today.
Weighted blankets for AD/HD and autism.
My girl made one for a friend's child...You go Emily..xxoo
I am so proud of you, doing for others.
The supervised visitation today with my son and two of his children.
The children were so thrilled.
Zoe is preparing for Emily's wedding....hmmmm   not my idea!!



Will you miss me when I am gone?

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Spring Forward

Coming around the bend...Today..was the first time I have been able to look at this picture in a year.
A whole year!!!!  I took it from being upside down on a shelf, to a position in sewing room number 2.
Now,I can let him guide me in my times of stress..A huge growth spurt for me.
 
Today was the first time in a year, that I have been able to go to the back deck at all...
never mind, sipping tea and reading...OMG
The first time to chill and relax in the sun on school break.
The first showing of a finished quilt in forever ago.
This scrap quilt was supposed to be yellow and navy...
How it turned out pink is way beyond me..
Guess working out the balance of values..made it so.
It is waiting now for someone who needs a Cotton and Steel boost.
 The first enjoyment of spring for me.
 And for me, the first time cutting out squares, instead of applique with my Accu-Go cutter.
I have had it for 3 years...seldom used.
 This new $10 sewing machine seems to be a bust for now.
So I am  using the nice cabinet for the cutter.  Maybe with my arthritis,
 I should have had an electric one..
but I am thrilled with the one I have.
 I am going to try a charm baby quilt.  Using the Foust scraps tonight.
A lovely day.
 A big thanks to my Wednesday night quilting group for helping me process my particulars and loving me despite the OMG challenges...xxoo

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The Slip-up..

I got home tonight to find that my beloved Stephanie had busied herself with....
 cleaning my sewing counter...
She is an OCD clean freak...Now what says Mrs. O'Quilts
Where is my stuff??????
Someone, below, does not care at all about scrappy mess.
His love is unconditional.


Had a fun time tonight at the Charlotte Modern Quilt Guild.
Fun to see what favorite quilting tools everyone has.

Tonight's confession:  I ate some of the children's Easter candy.
 I was depressed with my widow weight..and my painful knees that have not been replaced.
The sad state of Grandma's affairs tonight(:
I do love the Easter bunny and he skipped my house this time.
Certainly it was a wise choice!!!!

That was not enough, says weak kneed Grandma.
She said she would just check her favorite fabric site: Hancocks of Paducah's sale pages
Just checking, she said...OMG  I need an attitude adjustment for sure..
And, none of the above helped  my arthritis, let me tell you.

I have been raising my grandchildren for almost 2 and a half years.
Despite adversity, IMHO. I can see that I am doing a very good job.
The other day they wanted three helpings of hot oatmeal before school.
They got it..
Then, they ran happily onto the bus where friends waited for them.
Consistency...they got it.
They are safe and secure and loved..gratitude.

Disappointment came last night...
 My son is now out of jail and working.  He is a great worker.
Within an hour or two of his release, he had a job and was on the job!!
His cellmate had a brother, etc with a business..
Voila, my charming son was working.
Last night we had a park date with him to meet with his children.  They were so excited.
He called at the last minute and cancelled...still on the job, he said..and in South Carolina.
Maybe so, says his mother...but..................
So fine..we had movie night instead.......it is spring break after all.
 16 year old Pumpkin is proud of me for starting to quilt again..
Fine...Cats...just fight over it . It is not like there are no nice special beds for the two of you..

While googling Quilting for Solace..I found this cool article.