Friday, February 12, 2016

Do What You Like and Like What You Do!!

Enjoying self tonight washing/folding some of my new scraps.
Check out my Valentine flowers from my widow group peeps.
Uplifting!!!
Larger scraps folded nicely.
Usually I do not wash smaller pieces...however considering where they had been...
decided to put them in net baggies to give them a cleaning up in the washing machine.
 Drying on the kitchen counter. This is half of my scraps.  The other half is in the wash.
So Pick and Pay scraps at Faust are $2.50 a pound.  All my stuff came to $17.50.
Can you believe it??..Really... A movie out with popcorn and a drink wouldn't touch the fun 
I have already had with these scraps!!!
Mind racing to all the new projects to begin.
Cousin Olivia turns 4 soon...O stands for Olivia and O stands for owl.
O does not stand for My Little Pony...but you cannot win it all.
On my birthday, someone in the restaurant gave me her seat.  I cannot sit in a booth and there were no more tables available...the place was packed.
My daughter was taking me out to dinner.
The lady moved to the booth.  It was sooo nice.
 Found out that she knew me from the J where the children go to summer camp.  I took fabric that the children had dyed at camp last summer and made her a thank you potholder...
Another angel..the school principal...She had to have a bus one!!
Who was it that said that you never know which day will be your last??..
And that who wants to spend their last day...cleaning????
Tonight was a great night doing just what I like!

Thursday, February 11, 2016

The Sun Also Rises

The morning light.
Every morning, once the children are on their school bus, I look out my sewing room window.
The dawn is coming...
The sun, the clouds, the rain, the bottle tree.
Early colors uplift me.
Today, there was a big fat red cardinal in the tree.
He said that it would be a good day.  xxoo.  And, so it was..
Then I sneak off to bed again...
Lucky me...I get both!

My quilting peeps said go..get out of the house.
I said NO...My fire was so cozy, arthritis hurt, feeling blue..
Friends and fabric called...again..
Faust in Kings Mountain.....love and love...again...love...more love...
Pick and Pay bag from that big adorable mound of scraps... by the pound..
I stayed so long with the piles that they almost had to carry me out of there!!!
Next time I am going to bring one of those long grippers to grab from the middle.

The bargains, below....$3..a yard...OMG
And...Insule-brite for $1.80 a yard
Charms...do not know if $7.50 was a deal here, but I got some Denyse anyway..
Always need lunch
************
*********
She has been there before...the grief thing.
She says nothing eases up until after all the firsts..
Craziness abounding is normal.
She is a fellow traveler.
I do not know many of them.

MORE IMPORTANT STUFF:
1.  Katie, thank you so much for your upcoming birthday.
Because of you, I got sewing.
Your present became my present, with the rise of excitement for the project.

2.  Joy...with an e...I do not have your email address.
Thank you for your kind comment.
I am sad for your loss.
xxoo

3.  Then, there is our Bea...with a poignant post
Cheering you on Bea...sending love.

Thank you my dear friends for pushing me out the door....on to better things.
I am grateful

Monday, February 8, 2016

In the Rip Tide...a personal post


My Love

Everything reminds me of  you.  I hate that almost 10 months ago you died.  You said that you would die of this disease, that there was no way but down.  You even said that I may lose the house because of the expense of taking care of you. Thanks to your brother, I did not.  You told me to take care of myself.  I did not.  I did not want to.  I wanted to cry and eat chocolate and drink wine and to sit in the dark by that fake fireplace we loved so much.  I wanted to nap.  I wanted to pretend that you were still here.  I did not want to feel the pain and I still do not want to.  I exchanged my health for my fear and grief.  You knew I would.

I told you that I could not do it without you.  You told me that I already was doing it.  I told you that I was terrified with fear and loss even before you died.  You told me to never put my head where I had no control. You told me to always stay in the day.  I did not listen.  I cannot control my grief. You were my hero.  You still are. You suffered with such grace.  I do not have your grace.  I do not even have my own.

Before you died, Emily's man asked you for her hand...Happily, you gave it. You said you wanted money set aside for at least the wedding dress.  Today you bought it.  I helped our girl select it.  You were everywhere. Even in the  middle of joy I cried. You told me to go sew.  I have not been able to for a week or so.

My heart says that nothing matters anymore.   My mind says that it has to.  My heart says that I want to be with you.   God says I am not in charge.
You would still be so proud of Emily.  She is a huge help..She takes care of the paying bills online and taxes etc...while I cry. She teaches the children about health and takes them running.  Even though her grief is profound too.  The two of you...so much alike.. She does not/cannot understand my despair. 

We both knew that grief would be worse the second 6 months.  That would be for others...I thought...not for me.  I would charge ahead being better faster.

I want to still see you for the delight that you were.  Instead I still see the suction machine, the breathing machine, the paralysis and the Hoyer lift.
I remember being furious that I could not get to you to kiss or hug you. Separating  you and me there were caregivers, hygiene matters, machines, bed rails and ALS.
I wanted to jump into the bed with you...Even if I could have done so with my arthritis, you could not have handled it. 

You were in pain and trying to die. I wanted you to live. We had different journeys.

Most of our friends have drifted off.  They are busy.  We knew it would be like this. No one knows that the pain goes on and on and on and gets worse before it gets better.
I am making some new friends in the widow groups. Nothing fixes this.  Nothing ever will.

Some days are better than others.  Lucky me has peeps everywhere....Pool exercise peeps, Naranon peeps, Quilting peeps, Friend peeps, Kids' school peeps..Blogging peeps, Widow group peeps.  It is really unbelievable., Out of nowhere, they come.  They bring love and they bring courage. 

The children are flourishing thanks to angels abounding...I take care of them, we have fun and we do the right thing.. They are learning that we take care of each other in this life.

I am struggling to see the light..  In my heart of hearts I know that there are good things ahead.. We will make it... God was right.  I am not in charge.

Still here...Still trying to do the very best I can, one foot in front of the other..one day at a time..
Missing you....

Your Love
xxoo

And, In the Beginning...

Ends and Beginnings
Today, I had the privilege of looking for and buying a wedding dress for my girl.
I love her so.
Her man had received permission from Daddy before he died.
Daddy had insisted that he buy the dress.
Today we did.
Tears.
The selection above was huge.

I insisted that 5 dresses...were the one!!!
She chose one and I let go of the other 4.
A mother of excess, I know:)
If she decides not to get married...lol
The dress is stunning as is my girl.
It can hang with her mother's in the upstairs closet.
My memory was today, after all.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Mighty Full Day

Tying number two of my Dear Man's shirt quilts.
Number one was quilted for my daughter as a Christmas gift.
This one was tied for me.  Wool batting in both.
Thank you Cousin Ann.
 Sherry's divided four patch process.
I took a pix of Muggs reversible beach place mats and deleted it by mistake.
Forgive me Muggs....Oh, Please.
 Jean helped me open my new $10 machine..a Universal I see..
Sherry unscrewed the knee pedal and put it into foot pedal mode.
Works well...just needs a bit of oil..
 Guess 1978 is Vintage mode...check out the pedal!!
And of course, we ARE in the Carolinas!!
 Muggs made tonight a Super Bowl Quilting Party.
Games and all...lol

Such a busy day that I would not have had the energy for even just last week.
TBTG it is February!
I was just in the dermatologist two weeks ago...Had another new spot taken off this morning.

School principal called with Dylan in her office.  He talked too much in class.
Lunch with a friend was not enough excitement for this old lady...
But, that I was just starting to chill when the school called, again....

The very same five year old Dylan had been running in school...
Running..right into a poll...Off we went to the Urgent Care.
Split that little head right open.

School personnel came with us.
Two hours and five stitches later...we leave.....
I have pictures, but they are pretty awful.

My sweet daughter met me at the restaurant to take Dylan home.
so I could enjoy a lovely dinner hour with my new widow friends.
Home just in time for IQ quilting and the tying of my quilt.

I did all this???
God only knows how.
So grateful
Some of my old self back...OMG...Can you believe it????
My Dear Man and my Old Ma...
How proud are you of me? !

Sunday, January 31, 2016

The Next Step

Just checking tonight to see what the next step will be in my scrap C&S.
January has been just awful with grief ....crazy at nine months.
Valentine's Day is 10 months a widow..Hoping for progress.


Today was a lovely day in the Carolinas. Warm, breezy and Carolina Blue.
The children came home early this morning.
I am so proud of wonderful them.
They told me that they did not need Stephanie today.
The two older ones said that they "had it covered"!!
And, they did. Taking care of sick Dylan and more

WORD FOR THE DAY
Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp
Because the dawn has come.
Rabindranath Tagore

One Song
Song Two


Monday, January 25, 2016

The Lights and the Darks

Panther Nation...on the way to Karate.
Just could not decide on the cuteness!!
They are doing so well..so stable and loved.

So grateful for their wonderful support system.
I have not bought fabric all year...this bit is Katie's fault.
Thank you Katie for brightening my day...so love.

Today's news:

1.  Crabby me celebrates that I am out..... after....  4 days in the house...
Solitary confinement.
Snow is gone, ice is gone, I am gone.
I went to the grocery store and bought today's special:
Buy two, get three free ice cream!!
Because I could.

2.  There is no school again in Charlotte for tomorrow.
Stephanie is coming early.
Kids will be doing Dreambox, Spelling City, Razkids on their mini-ipads
......and cleaning their rooms.

3.  I am offended this year by Valentines candy in the grocery store now..
 Why are they there at all?
Who invented Valentine's day??
 I used to like Valentine's Day.

4.  My son was arrested tonight and is now in jail detoxing from drugs.
He had three warrants for his arrest.
Three days after his 31st birthday.
I do not even know where the pieces of my heart are.
At least he is not dead.
And, TBTG, the good luck scheduled the meeting at the fast food place
for the children to see their dad..only 4 days ago..
Grateful..

Some folks like mediums...me..I seem to have no choice.
Our family celebrates the darks and the lights.!!

Sunday, January 24, 2016

How Sweet the Victory

Gifting.
Finishes.
My habit of course, is to start things,  leave them, then start something else.
The storm made me do it..the victorious finishes
Sewing thru the drama.




The back of  my name tag..Peltex, Wonder Under on the felt..married with zigzag.
My selfie...finished.

And then there was a Panther game tonight..
.My first football game outside of college.
Victory.
The kids will wear their Panther T-shirts to school Tuesday.
They will wear their Panther shirts to Karate tomorrow.
(Evan has his Bronco shirt!)  shhh
Grands are all home from their trips.
There is no school tomorrow because of black ice.
There is no more red wine...a finish.
I am going to make another Cotton and Steel block to celebrate the victories
It took cotton and steel to survive this weekend.
Go Carolina...

Karen Barry...I do not have your email address to send you hugs for all your support.

Truth Everlasting...Just Go Sew

Thru the screen brightly.
The sun!!
 Yes...Zoe...the squirrels remember you are still here..


The Only Way to Enjoy Snow

Still only 9 months a widow...or is it one month or is it 100 months??
Making it thru this snowstorm and being snowed in...has brought the worst grief ever...worse than the first Christmas or birthday without him I have been hysterical, terrified, totally alone with my home and my memories. I spent too much time in bed, living on bags of Oreos.
 Last night I snapped at my sister when she called to tell me......
 that my son was out in the freezing ice storm with no place to go.....
She told him to turn himself in...jail was warm.
 It was the right thing to do, but it added to my fears. 
I am quite afraid that the road of grief is a rocky one. TBTG the children are having fun elsewhere...Trying to see now in the daytime, the beauty of the snow and to celebrate my survival of yet one more hurdle.
xxoo to you all for listening to the wail. 

The good stuff...Lynsey and Evan at the beach with Beth and her boys.

Dylan enjoying the snow with his cousins.
At the end of the day, we did not lose power, the children are having a wonderful time.
I got thru all the bad stuff and am still here to tell about it.
And I sewed...my Dear Man....I sewed.
xxoo

Friday, January 22, 2016

Tough Mrs. O'Quilts ....All snowed in in Charlotte

All the Rottweilers and cats and sewing machines and Grandma.
Being brave in the snow in Charlotte.
North Carolina is closed..sigh.
My neighborhood is snowed in.
Praying electricity stays on.

Muggs et..all  surviving the storm the only way they should.
Snuggled in quilts!!!  

Tonight....my survival...hmmm  one of these blocks is not like the other...
And, it is going to stay that way.
It is the storm block...the scary one..


And, the binding is on my elephant quilt...long needing a finish.

 How could I be fretful when lovely Lili is sleeping under my gift..
Come on storm...come on..just pass on...
So saved with help from my friends..

So I have stopped bracing for impact...mostly...
The news says the storm is almost passed/
So saved with help from my friends.

Thought that this link was so quilty interesting.
Heart of Wonderment...fabric painting and printing
Back to working on the WIP thing!!



Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The Storm Thing......

How do I survive a sleet storm without my Dear Man???
I do not know...I just do not know...
Maybe when a complete year goes by I will know.  Just maybe....
Meantime...I am working on Cotton and Steel Scrap quilt.
Cotton and Steel is all about bravery.
Forecasters are screaming ..."Major Winter Storm".

..And "The Wind Still Wails for You"
....said my mother in her poem.
 
Neither vino tinto, nor chocolate fixes this one.

My grands saw both parents today.
Their mother for two hours, then met their daddy at Chic-fil-A
Everyone happy and calm but Grandma.
Grandma carries it all.
Maybe the Cotton and Steel should be for her.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

The Wonderful Life

Feeling weak tonight, I pulled out the scraps of Cotton and Steel
I give quilts of this fabric line only to the bravest and the kindest.
Time to work with scraps...since I realize, no matter how much finery I have in fabric,
It is the scraps that make the best quilts...So hope that is true in life as well.

That sneaky grief
Keep clicking the arrow for more truths on grief.

It is bravery to confront a new life...to re-invent yourself..to carry on in spite of all.
It is bravery to walk through the fire to get to the other side.
Not that bravery is chosen...it is just done.
Seems like that to me anyway.
Here....
Anxiety is the word of the day.
The children miss me when they are at school
Lynsey asked me tonight if her father was dead.
Evan cried because his mother has been sick the past two visits.
We all miss Granddaddy.  We all miss Great-grandma
The school counselor left.  We have to meet someone new.

Tonight we counted our blessings.
Safe warm house.
Family to love us.
Computers for school work.
Doll babies and pets to love us.
Beds of our own.
A wonderful school
Sharp pencils
Ms Stephanie
Friends to love us.
We talked about hard times and good times.
We prayed for their daddy (my son) to get better and stop Chrystal Meth.
We talked about love.
A wonderful day after all.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Taking it Easy

Taking it so easy that I have done nothing but snooze!!
Just aware that I have no name...sooo
My new name tag for Guilds!!
 (I will  not show you my 14 new potholders)
Jo's grief quilt...Jo lost her mother a few years back...She was so full of grief that she could only muster sewing one piece of fabric to another.  She kept going until the wall was full and ...
the new piece was 8 feet by 10 feet.
Once better, she cut it into fourths for memory quilts for her siblings and herself..
Note the cool wavy border on hers.
You go Jo!!
 Kids having fun at Aunt Brandy's house....
They so love Murphy!!
And at our house???  My girl bathing
Zoe makes good use of Granddaddy's bathroom.
In freezing weather, this was the only way.
Zoe hated it.!!!
The smell around here has improved tremendously!!!!

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Interloper, Gifting and the Rant

The Interloper:
For months this grandmother has been looking for the first grade spelling list.
Grandmother is outdated..There are no paper spelling lists any more.
It is all now online on Spelling City.
In order to do her spelling homework..
Missy has decided that this computer is the
"girl" computer!!!
Gifting:
IQ presents for Christmas from my girl.
Before she came home from her job from Ireland, Emily picked Bay leaves
from her man's family backyard tree in Cork.
She ordered bottles online and stamped the cards.
Such a lovely present.
The Rant:
Never, ever did my Dear Man criticize me for spending money on quilting.
Never...
He would say...Did you have a good time?
Do you love what you bought?
Then he would give  me a hug.
That was my wonderful Dear Man!!!

Tomorrow I am 9 months a widow.

Tonight Marie and I went to the Guild sale.
It was so much fun.
I was thrilled to have the energy to go after 3 years despairing..
I bought wonderful bargains!!
Once home tonight......
I heard from Stephanie that I was nuts and needed professional help.
From other close family  members I was told that I had a problem
and could just not stop.  Hmmm
My darling are you listening to this abuse??

Who, may I ask would have turned down....
Beautiful vintage sewing machine table with working Singer inside and all tools intact???
For $10....He asked for $15...I told him senior discount should be $10 and he said ok!!!
The naysayers said that I did not need it as I already had 4 machines...Hello??
Need is irrelevant and the two youngers can practice on it...
Who, may I ask would turn down beautiful batik fat quarters for $1 each..
Again, need is irrelevant.
I had a wonderful time...not even bothered a bit by the judgmental ones...
Hello, it is my money and my house..etc.
I am of sane mind.
I have been through a lot in the past few years..
I deserve this...said moi...I so do!!!!