Saturday, October 31, 2015

OH, What a NIght....Halloween

Preparing for princesshood
 So excited....
 The neighborhood clan..
Alexis..doing a great job watching for witches..
Even Mommy came by..

 What a night????  Really??

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Sad Sack Sally and her Fabric Stash

My sister wants to throw out these vintage tablecloths...I took them instead into my stash.
Good idea for a backing???
Today my Valium came.
 My Oxycontin came too..and it is not even a controlled substance.
 And, here is my Xanax .
 If you do not sew and you are not six months a widow...well???
Maybe you cannot understand why I need these pretty meds.
In the grip here of perception deception.
I will not allow this to disrupt my day....  I will not, I will not.
I will accept my fragile state for what it is, and let go of hurt.
And, when grief engulfs me and I feel people all go on with their own busy lives, I will not take it personally..... it is life..and I, too have done that, before my losses. 

 When folks tell me their platitudes and their religious feelings, 
I will take it for how it is meant...generosity and kindness. 

 Nothing can fill the hole in my shattered heart, nothing.

I am going to try to eat better..with less sugar and more water.
The last time I was in Weight Watchers and had lost 20 pounds, Mr. O'Quilts called. 
 I left that meeting, only to hear his stunned voice deliver the news that he had been diagnosed with ALS.
I never went back.  It reminded me of my loss.
Today  I went back and I cried.
My whole reality is gone.
I do not know who I am any more.
I feel like I am going down a deep hole...then.....
My brain kicks in TBTG and tells me to get a grip.
We have a long line of strong women in our family.
God help me to be one of them.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Happy, and Such

My 100 bright and happy 10 inch zippers for $32...HAPPY!!!!!
from Zippit
Thanks to my Wednesday night quilters. 62 handwarmers, turned....:)
Ready to stuff with
Super Fun Japanese mystery tute
Thank you Eithne for sharing with me.

Soo love this quilt

Monday, October 26, 2015

Random Shots of a Very Good Day

Bye bye asthma...bye bye....
Today I woke up well.
I jumped out of bed and said, YES!!!!  Oh, YES!!!
And I the grocery store..and to the pet store...and back.
Year three of Halloween bags...still well used and well loved.
Used to be when I was young...besides the long walk to school uphill in the snow...
that we waited for Halloween all year.
Now my grandes have already had three Halloween parties with bags full of candy.
Photo star...15 year old Pumpkin in her basket on my table.
 Being an equal opportunity cat lover.......
11 year old Tigger...from Pittsburgh..
 demanded his own basket... He got it today.
Weekend cutting included 23 zippy coin purses..already for sewing.
I just ordered 100 more happy bright rainbow colored 10 inch zippers for $30   Cannot wait for the fun to start.
 Just a show off...I am...
My organizational skills...ha!
See it now, or forever lose your chance!!
Confession:  At Aldi today, I bought the Halloween candy to give out Saturday night.
The candy has only been in the house a few hours.
Six pieces are already missing.
Impossible me.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Building for Success

Weekend cutting is a success.
Despite the steroid drama.
 All Mr. O'Quilt's shirts are now cut into strips, ready to be sewn into the above 16 patch.
Putting grief in its place..A Quilt!!

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Steroid Sally

Christmas tree top sewn together to make room on the design wall.
Getting hyped on  this funky quilt.
Need to  have enough Christmas quilts for each child's bed.
Once I size it and border it, I am going to sew buttons on the trees.
Fun required.
 Voila..60 hand warmers pinned for sewing.
 One for each pocket warms 30 school personnel on cold playground duty.
I am furious.
Furious that I have asthmatic bronchitis and my dear man is not here to hug me.
Furious that he did everything right.
Exercised.  Ate well. No alcohol nor tobacco. Loved
Died anyway... ALS.
Furious that I have to come home to no fire burning, no dinner made, no sweet man.
Furious that I put so much love and work into raising my wonderful son.
An addict anyway...Heroin.
Furious that sweet 49 yer old Rhonda has stage four brain cancer.
She did everything right, plus she is an awesome person.
Got it anyway.

I am not always furious. 
But, tonight I am.
Steroid Sally
Tonight is the last night on 10!!
Rant now overtaken by the hum of the sewing machine!!!

Friday, October 23, 2015


Cutting for three projects at once:)
Change purse zippy bags
 With zippers from
 Handwarmers...or cold compresses
Cutting here various charms with scrap flannel for the project.
OMG...The sound of silence is upon me....
Working on small gifts to hand out for the holidays.


This is the first time in forever that I have had the time and energy.

Grief squalls I have to deal with yet, one more family crisis...
Where is my love to comfort me?
What would he have said?
It is not right that he died.
Am I strong enough?
Why does the photo of my future seem so grainy?

I found this awesome blog that got me going again on antique quilts, etc. Wabi Sabi Quilts
Then I remembered that my man and I used to collect them together back in the day.
Now, sad.

Switching it all out with cutting and color.
Full circle on eventide...making for others, to cheer myself.
Thank you dear Mother..Thank you.

An ALS Awareness Story

This video was very difficult for me to watch.
Of course I waited till midnight to see it.

Matt June died yesterday.  His story is being made into a movie.

The hardest part is the Hoyer lift...watching a formerly strong athlete, now atrophied and hanging on the lift.
I would add that this disease is very expensive.
The last four months of my husband's life cost $5000 a month out of pocket for caregivers alone.
If my brother-in-law had not sent us money, I could have lost our house.
Thank you for watching.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Something Fishy

The fishy birthday bag.
 I used the tute from the Busy Bean
There were several things that I learned here for myself.
Over and over she learns and unlearns.
I started this bag at midnight.
That should be enough said, but oh, no...seems not.
I had to rip 4 times, because I kept getting the lining side wrong side up or down..
Finally I let it be and went to bed.
For the first time I did somewhat decent zipper tabs.
But, still not where I would like them to be.
I found it hard to sew right up to them without a pucker, the seams were thick.
I put in a key time would make it shorter and forget the Pellon.
I would make the strap more narrow.
I have  had this fish fabric at least 30 years from Miami days.
It was back when the quilt police flourished and we were so not allowed to use
anything but 100% cotton.  This fish piece has some linen in it.

The telling of this present will be in the using and how the fabric stands up where it is placed, etc.
I thought it would be perfect for a bike ride...or maybe bobbins..or maybe......
Last night I also had a bit of bobbin problem..but did not notice it of course ..midnight...duh!!!!
Although I am glad that I started early.

Thank you Eithne for the link.
Gaston Co...Tony's Ice Cream Factory
I wish I was at Tony's right now!!!!

Kids are getting over their colds from last Sunday...coughs linger...
I have been sick for 10 days and am quite pissy, thank you!!
Asthma is the pits.
More family drama..and no Mr. O'Quilts and no mother to share the pain.....
Just me, the tough old matriarch.... fighting mad.
Surrounded by friends...and love...

Monday, October 19, 2015

The Roots of my Love

Trillions of dollars have transferred to online fabric stores this past year from me to them....
Me, in desperation to try to keep myself out of the abyss and the midnight madness.
Trying so hard to keep a grip with pretty fabrics and pretty fabric dreams.
And, now...
Back to the roots of my love..scrap fabric, old clothing fabric.
The shirts worn with love by Himself.
Only one more shirt to cut up.
 It is time.
 Up close here, the flower pens we made for the front office at the school.
Pretty and happy and cheap and easy.
I have now read 9 widow books.  I learned something from all of them.
 I learned the most from this one:  CS Lewis, On Grief Observed
I might have written it. (well, not literally, emotionally)
I have now read it twice.( in the daytime..ha!!.)  I would buy it, but Muggs will not let me.
She does not believe in that.  She will just keep taking it out again and again from the library for me.
Never mind, I have taken notes into my I-Phone in case I need reminders. 

Among quotes that resonate with me...
"Grief is lazy..loathing the slightest effort of shaving or bathing."
"Expressed grief is an embarrassment to all I meet, making them uncomfortable"
"Grief is fear and concussion"
"She is dead and the reality of who she was becomes more and more my own reality" 

Oh, my...time for me to sign off,  my friends. 

Sunday, October 18, 2015

The Road toward Acceptance

This is the picture I had to put away of my dear man.  It was so him...officiating music at the St Paddy's Day Parade.  Now, it seems like an antique obit clipping.
 Not him at bright blue eyes..nothing real. All gone.
I cannot find him.

I always wanted to be like my husband.  I wanted to be easy going like him, thoughtful and kind like he was, I wanted to be able to say no to chocolate and run like the wind,
while keeping my emotions in check.
 But, I could never be him, only be me with my set of stuff, flying by the seat of my pants.
.  Then ALS hit him.  No fair.
I was a bit jealous of Johanna too...she could live on bits of salads alone and seemed to have it all.
Then Pancreatic cancer took her out in 8 months. No fair.

The new me has more acceptance.  Trying to work on Gratitude only.
 I think that sitting in my recliner with Oreos and quilting books is going to be just fine.

Stephanie has known grief.  When her middle son was 15, he was lined against the wall and shot by a gang.
Steph couldn't leave the house for months. That was 20 years ago.
I think that when I cry, she understands.  It also reminds her of such sadness.
 Stephanie is family. 
We call Ms Stephanie, Stephanie Muldoon, but she insists on keeping her own name. 
She is like that.
Here she is doing make-up with the bug catcher and wild man.

 I have not been out of the house in three days with this asthma stuff.  Tonight we were out of
THE  laundry detergent...a terrible thing with three little children.
I walked into Harris Teeter and promptly  had a huge asthma attack.
coughing until all the customers ran screaming for flu shots..OMG

I am going to make a birthday present tonight...that should get me going.
Going to make it fun.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

And, How, the Candle Flickered....

But, the light stayed on.
Because I started to sew.
Just putting needle to thread lifted my mood.
A few years back when we all went to Faust, we bought these jelly rolls.
..a set of three for $30.
We shared them and now are all making them up...Will let you know the progress!! 
I can tell right now that I will have to be adding some other fabric to it.
Choices for my pretty quilt dream... paperwork..
Mother's vintage boxes.
 Or/and...Christmas boxes I got after sale last year..
 Today was visitation day with Mommy.  
Here Evan and his mother help me make flower pens for the school secretary's office.
Male flexibility in finding a place to do reading homework.
Lynsey kills any roaches that may be around half dead after the bug man has come.
It is a macho girl thing.  She gets 25 cents for a dead one, and 75 cents for one alive.
She inherited the job from her older brother.
I hate roaches..those Palmetto bug things...OMG
So I have the children trained from a very early grandma.
Here is Lynsey explaining to me exactly how big the roach was that she bravely killed,
and disposed of outside.
And thus needed her 75 cents immediately.
She won't do snakes!!!!
Tigger, I am so annoyed with you.
  This is the one area I did not get to.  You know that there are finished projects.
They now need to be washed...Really.
Must you find the one spot where I do not want you???
Do I have to get you a basket too????
There is gratitude in the midst...just takes me a find it.

Friday, October 16, 2015

The Widow's Handbook not let me buy anymore greens, oranges or reds.
Even if I cry.
Even if I beg you.
Even if there is an awesome sale on Hancocks of Paducah!!

Sitting here on my wonderful backyard porch, I hear a kitten mewing...or is it a baby??
No, is the wheezing from your own asthmatic chest.
I got asthma when I was forty and it has become worse over the years,
Of course, it has nothing to do with stress!!!!

Just sharing here a blog I have been following for a few years now.
One of the three non-quilting blogs I read.
Our Forest Haven
She is one brave lady!!

Here are found things as I am organizing.
Cat notebook covers.
My grandmother's Swedish Christmas embroideries...tons of them!!
Pictures are just to cheer us on...before the whine:)

ALS is a terminal ups, no downs...never a better day.
There is no chemo, no radiation, no hope at all.
Once diagnosed, my husband set out to confirm that all our affairs were in order.
Everything was in both names, the wills and powers of attorney were set.
He closed my business for me, so I would not have to. I then retired.
Things were paid off, talks happened, grief started.

When he died, he took his skill set with him, among other things.
His paycheck, his wisdom, his kindness, his brain, his warmth.

I am trying to figure out the money.
The house is paid off, but there is a lot of expensive maintenance when I have to hire out what he could have done for nothing.
It always goes back to one day at a time...Just figuring out one thing..
My sister will be helping 10 year old Evan cut the grass tomorrow..
Emily is sending me soup recipes.
Michael fixes the car.
Muggs does the library for me so I will not spend money stupidly.
Child care is one half of my income..

Enough rambling
And, probably Hancock's of Paducah is now dead to me.
Figuring things out is still a slow process.

I read an entire novel yesterday afternoon...stayed up till 1:30 am to finish it.
I have not done that in a long. long time.  It is Kara's fault!
I went to bed in my clothes.

Going to put the greys and blacks in their new home.
Read the last half of CS....I liked the book in the daytime. I am going to read it again.

I need a on one shelf lie clipped papers of quilts I will make when I am 100, I guess.
How to store them??? Attractively??
I am reorganizing, you see. I need pretty.
I am so furious about ALS and I am so furious that Rhonda got a brain tumor.
I think I will calm myself by watching again, a few episodes of "Frankie and Grace" on Netflix.
I need a laugh.
Thank you for your enduring support.
Forgive me for being lax on thanking you for comments.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

The Sun Came up this Morning

The sun came up this morning without me.
I was quite grateful.  Especially that I did not have to be in charge of that too!!
I have a really beautiful back yard.  We put it together ourselves.
When I would suggest this..or that...My dear man would say for me to
draw out the plans and he would make it.
Lucky me.
Since I have been so sick, I have been practicing the four letter word:
That has never been easy for me.

Moving on....
Look..., the old look:
 Now, the new look:)
You can see the other red shelf in the background ready for the blacks and greys.

Fine, it may not shake the earth with purpose, but it is good enough for me.
I love fabric.
What else do I love??
Here they grands...going off to Karate graduation.  The older two are not happy that the five year old is so behind in belts...whatever....
They are afraid poor Dylan will hold them back.
 My husband loved woodworking.  I have taken this dish he made to keep by my side.
It is now right by my sewing machine, holding my this and my that.
The Baptists came one time to make his shop in the garage at wheelchair height.
But, his diaphragm was already shot and he was too weak.
He was never strong enough to use it.
I thought that there was always time for more seam rippers and bowls...but I was wrong.

Tonight, a novel...not a widow book!!!!

Old Flames