When I Go....

When I Go
 Today was the day I went to the support group which I hated and will not go back.

Today is the day I took Dylan to his rising kindergarten open house.

Today is the day I got really annoyed...ok..angry..that my love could not see his spring roses bloom

Today is the day I made myself go to the Charlotte Modern Quilt Guild meeting.

I had a great time and met two new bogging friends face to face..and more kindred souls I have loved forever. I received and gave a million hugs.

Today is the day I am going to bed early.

When I got home from the Quilt Guild meeting...voila...

Ms. Stephanie and Ms Lynsey had totally cleaned up my sewing room.

Today is really...the day!!

I know where nothing is..but I do not care...

Soooo grateful...to see two clean work surfaces so I can sew tomorrow.

How grateful am I...!!

So very grateful....

Two weeks a widow. 

The Queen of Crabby McNasty

The disgruntled nine-patch...

dark and dreary...I will fix it with borders...but...

Lordy...be glad you all live way far away...I am so crabby that if I open my mouth, I might have to go to the laundry room for time out!!

I was so excited to start the old UFO that I put on my screen saver..but...

I cannot find the blocks.

Stephanie cannot find them, 

Evan cannot find them.

No one else dare come in to look.

In the process of looking I found like 3,897 UFOs and I became disgusted with myself!!

Tomorrow I am going to try a Hospice bereavement group.

When I tell them that my mother fell out of her wheelchair and broke her neck 10 months ago,

And, when I tell them that my dear man died two weeks ago of ALS.

And when I tell them that I cannot find my blocks.....

They just might say...group closed!!

I will just have to see.

Maybe anyone would be cranky if their room looked like this:

Today I went to the credit union to have them take my man's name off the account...They said:

"Not so fast"....you are too soon...you must leave it open in case checks come in in his name..

I cried.

My daughter and I went to Verizon to cancel his phone.

It is too much.

Should I do root beer floats all day, every day?????

It is My Mother's Fault

The lighting is poor...but the attitude is improving!
Tonight's choices were:
To play music to cry to.. on Pandora...or...
To get self discipline..and work on this quilt..when, really I do not have in me.. the thinking that it takes.

I am pleased to report that I now have another border attached.

When my father died 19 years ago, my sister and I accompanied my mother to the funeral home.
After signing all the papers, Dear Ma insisted that we all go to the ice cream store for root beer floats. 

 I will never forget the laughs we had then.

Such a role model I had!!

Thus..I had a root beer float for dinner last night.

And,  I had a root beer float for breakfast this morning.

It is all my mother's fault.

Notes from the Widow to Widow book I got in the mail from Bonnie:

"The average age of widowhood in America is in the mid-fifties"!!

"Three fourths of people over 70 are women."

So..all this is interesting, but what does this have to do with me???

We all know that sad answer!

Funny how this screen saver UFO thing is working.
I had planned to put on the design wall my new scrambled 9 patch,
but after looking at the one on my screen saver...I want to do this one.

In fact would it be naughty to just take down the London one now........

The Rain Drops

I must have 25 UFOs in my quilting room...but last night I just had to start something new.

I love to get fabric in the mail..never enough, says the hoarder.

Online I found a two charm pack bargain..added a few of my own cuts and started this last night

A no-think quilt is the scrambled nine-patch...here we go....

 Today, there was a surprise explosion...in my fragile heart..

I went to have passport photos for renewal and I cried. Nice picture that will be for the next 10 years!

Went to have the screw tightened on my glasses and when the girl asked how was my day..I cried.

Evidently I have a loose screw myself..and in public, no less!

This is going to be a long haul!

 

I need to thank you all individually for your nice comments.

I need to send out some thank you notes for the funeral,etc.

I need to take a shower.

I need to read my new WIdow to Widow book that Bonnie sent me.

Did I fertilize the rose bushes?

Did I forget to eat??  No chance on that one!!!

My bottle tree is supposed to ward against evil spirits.

This tree and I are going to have to have a talk!!

On my desk sit 12 certified death certificates for Himself...reminding me of what I do not want to know.

Did you know that people are being diagnosed with ALS every day...this horrid disease.

It is unbelievable.

We are fine with money now...but thank you Katie.

The death of Mr. O'Quilts took care of that..

At what cost....??

The happy note...always need that one...My sister came over to sew with me.

And, my daughter did the ALS walk in the rain.

Much love to all of you.

xxoo

Germination

Life goes on...that really puts my panties in a twist...

The world has refused to stop since my dear man died.

 Keeping busy.

.I put some random English fabrics here as a possible border..

Better let them germinate for decision time.

 Yesterday, before my stress pulled a back muscle..

I put together three 16 patches from one shirt of my dear.

Still desolate here..Family all gone home.
I know my Stephanie cannot work 25 hours a week and sustain herself when she has been working 55 hours weeks..she will have to leave me.

I know my daughter has her own life.

I know I am not the only widow woman in the world.

Knowing is useless.

Between my brain and my heart there is a cement block.

I am shocked.

Mr.O'Quilts really should have said something like:

"Honey..you know I only have 10 more hours to live..so get real now.."

But, he didn't.

The Silence

Loud is the silence with my dear man gone.  I am trying to stay busy.  

New idea...I have put a picture of one of my UFOs on my screensaver to encourage me on..lol

Last night, I attached another border to my London Olympic quilt.

 My girl has sent to Ireland her 16 patch made for her man's mother.

 I took pix of quilts I made 30 years ago for my niece and nephew...I always loved baskets.

These were hand quilted.

Day 6 of widowhood...

Week Sunday, the Audobon society came out to put up a Bluebird house in our yard.

Himself went out in the wheelchair with his caregiver to see it...He was thrilled.

Two days later my love was dead.

This morning I saw a Bluebird already in the house...I think it was my darling:)

Mr. O'Quilts has a new home now..and it is not too far away.

The Celebration of Life

Today was the funeral of my dear man. 

  I did not throw up or faint or cry. 

The day was all about how wonderful my love was..

Why did I fret...the service was perfect!

350 or so people came to celebrate his life..with Irish football players in uniform and Irish dancers in uniform.

My daughter played a favorite  piece of her father's on the Irish tin whistle.

The grandchildren behaved..

 The best pix I could get of a favorite bereavement poem by John O'Donohue...
 taken from the church handout.

So many friends and relatives came with love..my quilting friends, my pool friends, my peeps, football friends, dance friends, neighbors, work friends and former clients, teachers..brought food, flowers and hugs. They flew in and drove in and walked in..

I did see in the obituary that they put he was 70...that was awful..until I realized that my healthy athlete
was 70...OMG  how did that happen????

Mr. O'Quilts is in peace now..no more horrid ALS...22 months of slow decline..he is free..TBTG
He is lucky...The weakness in his chest muscles did not support the lungs and off he went..missing some of the more terrible times.

Me...sitting here tonight debriefing with Rin Tin Tin, my security system, my vino tinto and my chocolate!
Now...5 days a widow, I decided to work on something new....

Thank you for coming, for the flowers, for the food, for the hugs...

Thank you all for being our friends!

New life...for him and for me...

The separate journeys begin.....I am befuddled.

My daughter found this great picture of her Irish sports minded father.

 

I walk around in a daze.  I called the home health agency with an urgency that they pick up the hospital bed and Hoyer lift immediately... because looking at it was too hard.

Then, they came and I cried that they were dismantling my life..God help me...

Family from Ireland is coming in today, flowers, food, family and friends surround us.

The remains are going to Ireland for another service there.

My broken heart cannot grasp the huge loss.

From the simple service I had hoped for, now evolves an Irish ensemble, Irish dancers as greeters, anticipation of at least 300 people and out of town friends.
Of course for my dear, this is really what should happen...He was so Irish and so loved.

 His brother is doing the service. Even my brother is coming.

I want it to all go away, but reality is here..I have my smelling salts, my grit and my love for my dear man.

 I ordered my big girl panties..but they have not arrived yet.  I ordered xxxx large because I will need that.

Sherry and Stephanie put the rug back on the floor so the room looks like a room.

The school counselors are working with the children at school.

When I was shredding files, I found this great article from Quilters Newsletter, May 1994.  I see now why I kept the article, It is perfect.  Quilting for Solace.  I wish there was a link to it so all of you could read it.  For me...it is what quilting is all about...giving.

Thank you all for the comments and the love.

xxoo

My Dear Man's funeral arrangements for folks close by...

Fintan’s Obituary

Passed  peacefully, the morning of April 14th…after a very brave struggle with ALS.  Born in 1944, Galway, Ireland. Fintan Leaves behind Diane, his wife of 35 years, two children, Emily and Eamon and three grandchildren.  Coming from a family of ten children, he leaves behind several siblings, including Monsignor Brendan Muldoon of Indian Rock’s Beach, Florida, Living in Ireland, sisters, Maura Mongan and Ita Meade, brothers Kevin Muldoon, Kieran Muldoon, Declan Muldoon

Memorials to be given to the Camp Mindy summer camp scholarship fund, at the Jewish Community Center, attn.:  Doreen Sparks, 5007 Providence Rd, Charlotte,NC 28226

Fintan touched many lives with his big heart, wonderful people skills in mentoring, facilitating, advocating, teaching and music..He was a great husband, father, grandfather. hospital social worker, computer specialist, champion tennis player, teacher, gardener, bird watcher and woodworker, He was a founding member of the Clandarrah Irish band playing the keyboard, in Charlotte, North Carolina. And a long time member of the Irish Society of Charlotte.  Any time he could, he spread his love of Irish culture, especially music.

Fintan was loved and will be missed greatly.

A Celebration of Life Mass will be held on Saturday, April 18th, at 10:00 a.m. at St Gabriel Catholic Church. The family will receive friends from 9:00 to 9:45 a.m. in the church.

Thank you Marie for a pix of a great memory.
 Miccosukee Indian Reservations outside of Miami in the Everglades.

Fintan was the tribe counselor and I was the school counselor.

Jobs to remember!!

A great memory:)

 

Oh, My Love, My Darling....

My broken heart reports the passing of my Dear Man.

Just like that...our lives will never be the same.

xxoo Goodbye, my love...I will miss you so.

There is no Joy in Mudville...A personal non-quilting post

My man went outside for 10 minutes and had to leave the beautiful day for the hospital bed again.  He was too weak, he could not breathe, he was not well.
 The comfort needed was through Morphine and Ativan, doubled today....again...
Tonight it is worse...He can not talk at all, only grunt...
.He is in obvious distress...
Squeeze my hand if it is swallowing, squeeze my hand if it is breathing...ok..breathing...more Ativan and more Morphine..yes..
.Call the Hospice on call nurse??...probably not as not many know about ALS...orphan disease...guess no one wants to know either as it is a big ugly nasty disease..All downhill with no hope.

I asked a friend yesterday to come by and see him for a minute..the friend said..he would but probably not since he cannot do sad...OK...I understand, I really do. but,
I do not understand why ALS even exists and why my wonderful man has to suffer like this.

All hands on deck here...my sister and my daughter and me..
Calvary of three..
Now...I have called the Hospice nurse...
It is clear that we need a a Calvary  of four!!
Stand by...Oh, my love..

The two sides of love

My daughter-in -law came for Easter to see her children.  She took some selfies and other pictures...on a walk by the creek behind our house.  I just love the pictures...so I am sharing. 

I cannot sew.  I am grieving tonight for no reason at all...out of the blue... The day was good...I went to water exercises...I read my book...I watched the kids ride their bikes and go to Karate...then...when the caregiver was putting the mask on my love for bed...the straps were missing...I went nuts...Finally I found them underneath clean towels in the bathroom...He insisted that he could sleep without the mask...He is probably now blowing at 15% of what is normal to breathe...yet he has to be the stoic...even if it kills him..and I cannot stop crying...I find this so unbelievable that no matter how much support I have, nothing stops the core issue...a terminal illness of a wonderful man.

Now...vino tinto...enjoying these pictures..and bed for the crabby, irrational wife..

xxoo
PS  My friend Mona...says that Pearl has a sister....Wendy Whiner....OMG

The Visitor

Today I had a visitor..I could not get rid of her. 

 Her name was Poor Pitiful Pearl!!

She would not stop talking...blah blah blah...She was a broken record...on and on...

She had a dead mother, a dying husband, a son doing wrong things, grandchildren who were noisy, bad joint aches...etc..on and on she went, the same old thing over and over. 

 Finally I was just rude and I left and went to the pool to exercise.

When I came home, she was still there.  Ugh!!

I told her to get lost and leave me alone.  She would not.

So, I made this applique from Fresh Quilts.

 Pearl just faded away..

  I looked outside and the Dogwood was blooming and the Wisteria was out.

Lime green new leaves were on the trees...stunning.

Lynsey and Dylan spent all day yesterday playing outside.

They made a fort with a carport for the bikes.

 And, instead of a watch dog..they had a watch reindeer!

My man is somewhat stable in his condition...but, last night he was exhausted and all ready for bed when he made me take off his breathing mask and get out the ABC board..

 I wondered what worry the man had, when he whispered that he was worried about me..

.He thought I was not exercising enough and eating too much junk. 

OMG, really???

.But, that is just like Himself...always thinking of others.

The best Easter ever....

Here we go...My darling and me..celebrating a beautiful day and a lovely Easter.

 

I am going nuts about this quilt and these blocks...cannot stop myself.  I so need the design wall, but remember the promise I made to myself to finish the UFO that is already on there.

Remember how clean things have to be around here before the Easter Bunny comes back to hide the eggs?

FYI  Six year olds sweep with lollipops in their mouths!!!

We had a marvelous Easter.  Of course the Mr. requested a double Ativan and a double Morphine tonight once he was inside and ready for sleep.  I do not blame him one bit.
Em and Bri made the best roast lamb dinner, Stasi helped her children, my sister was on duty for Mr. O'Quilts.  A day to remember!!!
Grateful.

Just a little Easter post

Celebrating a new attitude in my quilting brain:  Voila...using two of my favorite fabrics...

Instead of saving them till I die!! On the right..are cats I bought in Japan some 30 years ago.

On the left is kangaroo fabric sent to me by Beth.  Love and use...my new motto!!!

Here we go making Bird's Nests..from Rice Krispie Treats and jelly beans. Totally fun.

And of course, dying Easter Eggs.

It is Spring Break from school..Nine year old Evan is having a fun time in Washington DC with his cousins.

Five and Six years olds..rather do Easter things.

Me??  Lordy, I am eating up the rest of the jelly beans(:  I have turned out just like my mother.

My dear man is resting.  He is hoping to have the energy to go out in the sun for egg hunt with the children. 

Did you know that the Easter Bunny does not bring treats to dirty places???  

Oh, there were two little ones scrubbing away this afternoon...lol
Wishing you all a peaceful Easter.

The Quite Good Day

In quilting,I have told myself that I would try something new..

I have never made this pattern because I thought it was too much work.  

..such a lazy quilter am I!! 

Last night I started it and it was sooo easy and fun..

Promised self that I would not play with the blocks until I finish the London Olympic quilt..

but playing with color made me happy enough.

 Emi-Lou's cafe has a new chef...man Brian..such an awesome dinner.

 Somehow Emily and Brian do not approve of my diet.  They thought that adding greens to my beer was delightful...oh...nothing like a good laugh:)

  From Sujata Shah's blog comes this amazing vimeo.

Traditional Indian quiltmaking

The update is good...

Mr. O'Quilts spent  FIVE HOURS in his wheelchair out in the beautiful Carolina spring day. 

 The day was stunning and fun. 

 Kids in the play pool, Stephanie taking care of my man, Emily making another awesome late lunch..

.Wonderful, and I almost missed it.

I went to the grocery store this morning...joints all achy, mind all worried..feeling a bit dizzy...Poor me...the stats say stress causes joint pain and maybe the concussion symptoms are coming back and woe is me.

As I walked outside with the groceries, I felt a light spring breeze...the trees were all in bloom...the Carolina Dogwood, the Cherry trees...It was a perfect day and I almost missed it.

With my...long litany of woes...as my Dear Man says.

When I realized that without the neck brace, he was unable to control his head, I almost regressed.

A second look saw the peace and joy in his eyes as he loved being outside.

Love..

xxoo

Our ongoing saga.....with not a quilt in sight!!!

Yesterday..Here is my darling....outside in the Carolina blue with balmy weather..What can be better than that??

Last year the Mecklenburg Audobon society brought out a Nuthatch house and put it up for Himself. 

Yesterday we saw a bird there. 

 My dear man was able to go down into the back deck..due to friends building the ramp.

  He tried to use the binoculars.  But, he could not hold them.  

His left hand is completely paralyzed and the right hand has become weaker...as in about 75% paralyzed.
  It was a very sad moment. 

 I tried to help him, but I could not...

Call in now to the society to see if a volunteer could help with a different kind of binocular that maybe could attach to his head or be free-standing..Also need help from them putting up our bluebird house.

So excited to see this blog. I like all of her work.Quilted Under the Influence 

And... Diane is back..still feisty despite her MS..,Persnickety Quilts

The wonderful Angel Ava gift....
 Ava looked at a pix of Mr O'Quilts on my blog.
She noticed that his hair had not been cut in forever, that his beard and mustache were looking a bit woodsy.

She told me that she knew a hairdresser who would come to cut it free.

She did and he was delighted.  Then she said...free to us...she paid!!!  OMG

Ava  How nice was that???  !!!!

Remember Ava used to be my mother's nurse..for years and years.
 That is how she is now our angel...sent by my mother, says Ava!!!!

awwwwwww
Tonight's group brought Marie's bday on April Fool's day...Ha!!  Too bad the pix are wrong.
The laughter however, was awesome!!!
Today's update....Is it fatigue from yesterday's outing outside in his chair...or
Is it disease progression???
Today my dear man slept all day long.  In fact he slept so hard without moving his head that we had to see if he was still breathing....several times.
Thank you all so much for being our friends!
xxoo