Soothing the stress....really??

Yesterday at noon I visited my mother.  She was in the bed, mouth open in a deep agitated sleep doing the Parkinson's twitch..ugh...I could not wake her, got all the nurses...had to let it go..double ugh.  My husband went by after work because I was so upset and he found her very clear minded chatting away in bed and eating her dinner. Once again...Parkinson's stop and go... So I bought this KitchenAid for myself.

And then I bought this!!!!

from Sew Kind of Wonderful

A daughter just has to do what a daughter just has to do!  Being rational has nothing to do with it.

I am a Gandhi wannabee

Gandhi said something like...I want my windows open to all ideas, but my house not blown down by any of them..something like that.  Staying steady in the storm.

Well...today my mother is sitting in her wheelchair clear as a bell.  No more C.Diff, urinary tract infection, dementia....for now...everything is for now. She does not remember seeing the man behind the curtain or talking to the zoo animals.  She does not remember falling out of bed on her way back home to the very bed she fell out of.  She does not remember saying naughty words...she is forever the lady.. for now. The assisted living where she lives, is well through its second week of state quarantine due to Norvo virus.  My mother did not get it..yet..knock on wood, stay tuned.  I wish I did not keep going on the same roller coaster ride that she rides on.  It is quite exhausting.

Mother says that when the quarantine is over and the weather is nicer, she is going back out to lunch bunch with her friends and to her poetry group.  

RUNNING

Death whispers in my ear,

"Over here, over here."

His smile beguiles me,

"Over here, over here."

I will run; so will he.

We race against reality.

From Daydreams by Alice Franzen Clemons Burt

And, so I sew.....

"And so, I sew! Back and forth...little, then big and big, then little. No room for sadness, or loss, just vibrant remembrance when the heart is full and the hands stay busy."  This quote from Michelle got me going tonight. Not so unlike women of the past, we women of the present sew to stay sane, to remember, to spread joy and to create.  My mother has a urinary tract infection which has sent her around the bend.  She picks at the air and talks to the circus animals who are not there. Last night she fell out of bed thinking that she needed to get out and walk home.  I cannot believe what a UTI can do.  I am horrified, terrified and amazed at life and the human spirit.  So helpless, I look to exactly what Michelle is saying.  I just dug out this UFO.  With a need for comfort and connection to the past as it was, I am going to finish this.  The cats were embroidered by my grandmother 25 years ago, in her 90's, probably the age my mother is now.  She worked them when her eyes could no longer see the difference between blue and green.  She didnt give up on life and work, she did it anyway, even though it was hard.  I am trying to be that way too, not to break the circle of strong women in my life.

I must say that this new turn of events with my mother's mind has me shaken.

MY FRIEND IN THE WIND

When you were lucid

Lapses grew longer

Slowly you became a

feather,

a feather

in the wind

from Daydreams, by Alice Franzen Clemons Burt

Happy Monday

• I just went to see my mother.  I was there for 5 minutes when staff came in to tell me to leave.  The entire Sunrise facility is under state quarantine for at least 48 hours due to a stomach flu.  Good Lord.

  
  

  

Grandma, oh Grandma..I need you again today....

This morning I was reading Susan Branch's blogpost and tears filled my eyes.  It hit so close to home.  I knew just what to do...make chicken soup. Doing something about something when you really cannot do anything about what you really want to do....like fix my mother...etc.  Grandma was a professional cook long before I knew her.  Growing up with her in our home, we all benefited from her talents.  Grandma could do anything...and true, she was my dearest of friends.  At times growing up, she was my only friend.  At my age now, I realize that under stress, she cooked...as I quilt..she cooked and sewed.  So Grandma, you live in my heart and I need you now.

Grandma, did you know that Mom tried to climb out of her bed last night.  She denied it, but the staff said that she did.  My mother said that she woke up in the wrong bed and it was so frightening.  The staff said that if she looked around she would see her cat and the cat food and her window with the birds and squirrels and she would realize that indeed it was her own bed.  Mother was surprised.  Grandma, did you know that I bought online for $25, 3 wheelchair cups for her chair...one for the phone and one for her drink and one to save.  And then the other day, she took her hammer and hammered them off because she thought that they were in the way.  Her strength is weaker and she can no longer maneuver her wheelchair well...so she thought it was the cups that were in the way.  Mom thinks that this is  completely normal thought process and that it is me who does not understand.  Now she is in bed again with diarrhea .  And Alexis has been sick for 5 weeks with C Diff too.  I had never heard of that before..but I guarantee that I will never forget it.  Anyway, Grandma, you taught me to carry on and so I will try not to be overwhelmed by this new, surprising turn of events.  I am going to finish a UFO and sit in the yard and read.   And, when the chicken soup is ready, I will take it to my mother.  I am so grateful that she lives 15 minutes away. xxoo

Alice, the poem

When I closed my practice in Miami, 17 years ago, and moved to Charlotte, I decided not to work.  I told my husband that I was just going to clean the kitchen floor and eat M&M's.  That didn't go over too well and I ended up working in a Hospice house in the country.  I have seen death and I have seen how the body fights for life itself and loses.  It is difficult.  But, it never is as difficult as watching someone you love decline.  When my mother was dying, her friend Mike wrote this poem for her.  And though she has now rallied, this poem will always touch my heart.  I want to share it with you.

Alice
by Michael Ham

Here, in the twilight, she stands in the shadows
and looks back upon the road just traveled.
Limbs, once young and limber, hold her frame with difficulty now-
the clarion voice of youth now mirrors the song of the butterfly.

She was the poet, and now she is the poem-
a story for the reader yet to come.
There is a clarity to her rhyme-a subtlety to her meter-
and in her verse is the story of humanity.

Here in the twilight she awaits the evening,
not in melancholy, but in anticipation.
She does not stand alone, for here-further back in the shadows-
are all the characters who shared her stage-her light.

She was the play write-and she inhabited her play-
a generous actress always ready to share the applause.
When a fellow actor stumbled, she picked him up
and infused him with a desire to be better-for her.

She was the teacher-sharing the song of poetry with the world.
She was the mentor-passing her love of words to youth.
She was the friend-she was always the friend-
showing each fearful soul what courage looks like.

Here in the twilight- as shadows deepen-
she does not hide her eyes from the coming dark-
but sees the dawn of discovery
that rises on the far horizon-and she prepares.

Here in the fading of the day-when meadowlarks serenade-
She sees the faces of all she loved-of all who loved her-
And as that last glimmer of light falls softly on her aging cheeks-
She hears the angels sing; hosanna.

When I asked Michael for permission to print his poem on my blog, he generously said that it was my mother's poem...his gift to her and it was her permission, not his.  Thank you Michael for this wonderful gift.

Delightful

Delightful

It's three o'clock in the morning
Still I am baffled by words
Reaching into delicate darkness
Finding an elusive phrase
Mystical, magical poetry
Will lift my spirit for days.

from Circle of Love, by Alice Franzen Clemons Burt

My mother would like to report that she has missed the train again.  She said that she is at the station, wondering which train will come next.  She is laughing and eating and drinking and creating.

I am exhausted from loving.

Adios

Adios

So long friends
I'm on my way
Almost ready
For that fateful day
No suitcase
No dollar bills
Nothing needed
Beyond these hills!

from Circle of Love by Alice Franzen Clemons Burt

Collision

Collision

Wailing of the sirens

calling after me

I can hear them screaming

             'EMERGENCY!"

Ageless, weightless, spirit, I,

like a snowflake in the sky,

soaring, floating, dreaming, I,

transient like a butterfly!

from Circle of Love, Alice Franzen Clemons Burt

A mother update

The x rays of mother's lungs today show a worsening of the pneumonia.  The doctor said that this is not a result of a cold or not taking antibiotics.  This is aspiration pneumonia which is disease progression from Parkinsons.  I hate Parkinsons.

Stress Busters!

What to do about the stress of sitting in the hospital while my mother's body works on pneumonia, gall bladder, confusion from the Morphine and MERSA issues???  Well first of all, once home I need a no-brainer to sew on.  Thanks to Wanda, http://exuberantcolor.blogspot.com/2011/07/getting-some-practice.html, I have strips for the Jelly Roll Race.  I had never heard of it before. I had strips impulsively bought from Michaels with a 50% off coupon.  I cut a few more to go and they were ready to sew after the hospital without thinking.  Thank you Wanda.

In the hospital, I had my hand sewing...big stitching work on a UFO.  TBTG for hand work.

And always, my Milito...helping out with the stress where ever he can:)

My mother....again, my mother....always my mother

She sits now in the hospital room eating ice cream, making jokes, charming the nurses and reading her own poetry from her Kindle.  But, inside she is fading away.  She has pneumonia, an infected gallbladder, old age and Parkinsons.  To look at her fake it all....I get hope.  Then the doctor tells me that it is touch and go with her.  The doctor says that all pneumonia cases have only about 30% chance of success and age and disease make that even less.  She is on three kinds of IV antibiotics, oxygen, catheter, Morphine and Oxyc..for pain.

I am on disbelief.  The doctor tells me that we are not meant to live forever.  I hate the doctor.