In the Rip Tide...a personal post

My Love

Everything reminds me of  you.  I hate that almost 10 months ago you died.  You said that you would die of this disease, that there was no way but down.  You even said that I may lose the house because of the expense of taking care of you. Thanks to your brother, I did not.  You told me to take care of myself.  I did not.  I did not want to.  I wanted to cry and eat chocolate and drink wine and to sit in the dark by that fake fireplace we loved so much.  I wanted to nap.  I wanted to pretend that you were still here.  I did not want to feel the pain and I still do not want to.  I exchanged my health for my fear and grief.  You knew I would.

I told you that I could not do it without you.  You told me that I already was doing it.  I told you that I was terrified with fear and loss even before you died.  You told me to never put my head where I had no control. You told me to always stay in the day.  I did not listen.  I cannot control my grief. You were my hero.  You still are. You suffered with such grace.  I do not have your grace.  I do not even have my own.

Before you died, Emily's man asked you for her hand...Happily, you gave it. You said you wanted money set aside for at least the wedding dress.  Today you bought it.  I helped our girl select it.  You were everywhere. Even in the  middle of joy I cried. You told me to go sew.  I have not been able to for a week or so.

My heart says that nothing matters anymore.   My mind says that it has to.  My heart says that I want to be with you.   God says I am not in charge.

You would still be so proud of Emily.  She is a huge help..She takes care of the paying bills online and taxes etc...while I cry. She teaches the children about health and takes them running.  Even though her grief is profound too.  The two of you...so much alike.. She does not/cannot understand my despair. 

We both knew that grief would be worse the second 6 months.  That would be for others...I thought...not for me.  I would charge ahead being better faster.

I want to still see you for the delight that you were.  Instead I still see the suction machine, the breathing machine, the paralysis and the Hoyer lift.

I remember being furious that I could not get to you to kiss or hug you. Separating  you and me there were caregivers, hygiene matters, machines, bed rails and ALS.

I wanted to jump into the bed with you...Even if I could have done so with my arthritis, you could not have handled it. 

You were in pain and trying to die. I wanted you to live. We had different journeys.

Most of our friends have drifted off.  They are busy.  We knew it would be like this. No one knows that the pain goes on and on and on and gets worse before it gets better.

I am making some new friends in the widow groups. Nothing fixes this.  Nothing ever will.

Some days are better than others.  Lucky me has peeps everywhere....Pool exercise peeps, Naranon peeps, Quilting peeps, Friend peeps, Kids' school peeps..Blogging peeps, Widow group peeps.  It is really unbelievable., Out of nowhere, they come.  They bring love and they bring courage. 

The children are flourishing thanks to angels abounding...I take care of them, we have fun and we do the right thing.. They are learning that we take care of each other in this life.

I am struggling to see the light..  In my heart of hearts I know that there are good things ahead.. We will make it... God was right.  I am not in charge.

Still here...Still trying to do the very best I can, one foot in front of the other..one day at a time..

Missing you....

Your Love

xxoo