Stepping on up...

From leftover half square triangles of Cotton and Steel, comes a work in progress..
Why do I have a fabric store in my house when scraps are my deal??

Scrap play... making a get well card... Sewing on card stock.
Remind self to change the needle.

 Lynsey putting away the groceries.

 Thank you Wanda.

A rough few days...
I made lists, forcing self to check things off.
.
Two nights of fun with our widow group.
 Last night's fun evaporated this morning when I awoke, once more,  heartbroken in my grief.
Terrie saved the day as she came by unannounced this afternoon.\
She got me up and out of my recliner and off to dinner, then out again with the group.
Thank you Terrie.
 I had a great time with my fellow travelers at the The Secret Chocolatier.
*******
I follow The Grandparent effect on Facebook.  The articles lift me up to carry on.
*****
I tell myself:
  Get out of bed Mrs. O'Quilts...
  Open all the blinds, Mrs. O'Quilts..
Now you can start your day.
Ten months a widow is a better month..that is for sure...but not out of the woods..
Mrs. O'Quilts, You must get out of the house.  Did you hear me???

The Hyacinth and the Daffodil are up.  The Red Bud are blooming.
Spring must be coming after all ...on its own...no help from me..
I think I am turning a small corner.
Instead of concentrating on end stage ALS, Hoyer Lift, suction machine, ad nauseum...I am thinking about my love's strong hands and his beautiful eyes; his kindness and brains, his wit and his love.
I even started laughing at some of the things we used to do.
How nice is this.??

Karen Barry...I have found a KB in Hawaii, one in Australia and one in New Jersey so far.

Pls send me your email..so I can say proper thank you for your validation on my blog...
Pls forgive me if you did it already and mud brain here lost it.

Tomorrow's goals are:  bordering my new Cotton and Steel scrap quilt and making potholders.
Should be relaxing, then Downton Abby.

Happy sixth birthday Dylan!!!
Grandma loves you so.xxoo

Kabloom!!

Kabloom....I cannot focus...I cannot create...I do not sew...

I just walk around..Kabloom!!

 I had to get a new camera after I was robbed..I do not have the brain to figure it out...grrr

Kabloom is turquoise not red...OMG

Marie, do you remember when you gave this to me 35 years ago?????  lol

It is synthetic and at the time that was a no-no!

But, you my friend were ahead of your time.

I am going to make a  lunch bag for myself with rip-stop lining.

Do you all think that  maybe this??  has anything to do with my lack of energy?

The three of them were sick for 6 hours into the night..in-between episodes, they slept.

But, Grandma did not..

They took turns calling for Grandma to STOP the vomit..OMG.

Now, Missy (getting better) says she cannot stay in her bed because 

her I-Pad is out of juice and has to be plugged in.

The new generation of 7 year olds.

She explains that Aunt Emily removed U-tube from her I-pad mini before leaving for Seattle.

Lynsey tells me that all her favorite baking channels were on U-tube.

Then...Oh, then...she says:  Look Grandma...I Googled and found a new site.

I am learning a lot.  You should try this..they teach quilting too.

CRAFTSY

The many facets of Grandma O'Quilts

Grandma wears the nurses' hat...

Lynsey said that God wants her to be a baker now that she is 7.  He has really decided that.  Other children do not have that gift.  Therefore she would like to be the one to help me with the pancakes.

Dylan said that his favorite friend in his Kindergarten class, is Gavin.  He said that, Gavin counts with his middle finger and that is a very very bad thing.  He said that Gavin also counts with his middle toe and that is a very very hard thing to do.
Dylan knows, because he tried it.

I had three babysitters last night so I could  go to the Widow's group get together.
I did not run away from home.  I just went to the party.

Last night was great fun; tonight ...well..tonight there is a different kind of fun..
Each darling is throwing up, has a fever  or a stomach ache.
One child on each bathroom floor, and one in his bed with a fever and towels.
Grandma is wearing her hand sanitizer and a mask.

Let the Sun Shine in.

"m"  Thank you for your support..xxoo

Fit to be Tied

A mouse in the house.?
Mice are nice, say the children.
Let's take a video of him....Grandma!
Today, mean Grandma called Orkin instead..

 F....inished...as in Done...just need the label and snip..it..
I did not listen to my man tonight...I did not sew until 10 pm
Only then could I relax and see the light.
His shirts to comfort me, filled with wool batting.
Tied by my friends...with love.
I have had a hard time quilting wool.
I prefer the tied look.
Tomorrow you will find me snuggled in.

Here we go again....the waves...a dance?

It is my dance now as I navigate grief and try to survive...
And so it goes with my only brother who lives in NJ in a rented van with his wife and 16 cats.  Thank God he was just able to get insurance.
 He has cellulitis in his foot and an ulcerated back.
All from being homeless.
Working four part-time jobs together they cannot afford a place to live.
They are in their 60s.
I want to throw up.
My only sister has two adult children who struggle, one with a touch of spina bifida. She now needs a gall bladder removal..Alexis needs insurance to get her operation.
My sister works all night two jobs to pay her rent.
I feel dizzy.
My only son is still in jail.
I struggle..

Looking for help there, is like looking for bread in the hardware store..
I do forget that sometimes.
My only daughter and her man are on the NW coast looking at places to live.

My image of my only self is one of being on top of my game..not at the bottom!!.

Where is 28, 38, 48, and 58, when I need it most???
At 68 with two broken knees and a broken heart, I am not at all in an accepting mood..
It is an eventide...not a morning song.

Thank goodness for all my dogs.
Thankful for my friends
Thankful for you all.
Look for the Light

Someone turns 7

Go ahead!!!

 Bring joy to my heart!!

Getting ears pierced!!!

She picked her February birthstone.

Soooo excited...got that big girl look!!!

 

 Home from school wearing birthday hat...bro in the act of course.

 My grandmother would be proud of me...all her baking recipes.

This time, I tried lemon flavored icing and neon food coloring...yummy.

 Ladybug wanted pink confetti...

Sprinkles into the white batter did a good job..

Did the pool this morning...Saw all my pool peeps.
Had breakfast with my daughter..

A very great day!

A Familiar F Word.

FINISHED.
As in missing from my reality at this time.
On every design wall, draped over every chair, in every cupboard..exists..co-exists
The UN-finished.
All while I start something new.

Poor fox needs to move on...

 Just a quick sit at the machine would do this one...
not to mention the machine itself...needs oiling..

 All done but a corner and a binding....abandoned...

Should I care?
Kinda...but not enough...hee hee..
Just love those cross blocks in pretty colors and my potholders..
Just love easy.

Happy Valentine's Day late...

February 14.....10 months a widow.

I am still quite frail.

A lovely dinner out with new widow friends.

Can politics destroy new friendships?

I do not know.

Because my mind is wobbly, it is hard for me to negotiate differences right now.

Politics are fraught with emotions at a time when my feelings are unstable.

Guess I will have to see how it goes.

Most of my successful groups have banned political discussions in respect of others.

I want to be stronger.

That takes time.
Meantime, as I nod off in my recliner...I dream of new projects....

...Of new possibilities.
I dream of Hope.

Happy Scrappy Crosses

I do not know why I cannot create.  Just pablum work here.
I cut some of my new scraps into 2.5 inch strips.
Epiphany...I had never made this block before...so easy.
Especially with a box of white charms already in a box...somewhere...
So fun, so relaxing, so no-think. so scrappy.

I was determined not to cry this weekend.
I got out of the house.
Went to the grocery store and bought a nice steak and a treat.
Why did you not tell me that no-one could eat just one Oreo??!!
Went to a Naranon meeting with friends..
I never see my sister any more.  She is working 12 hour days in two jobs.
Bittersweet for me.
My daughter-in-law has been sick for a month. Sigh.

My daughter is going nut crazy about her wedding in two months.
Maybe or maybe not a wedding...It will be a surprise to all.
A small family wedding up a mountain in the woods somewhere.
Meantime she is going to have people throw organic brown rice...Hello
By the time she gets married, I will suggest avocado seeds.!!!!!!!
Not really and just kidding, I love you Emily as only a mother can.

Do What You Like and Like What You Do!!

Enjoying self tonight washing/folding some of my new scraps.
Check out my Valentine flowers from my widow group peeps.
Uplifting!!!

Larger scraps folded nicely.

Usually I do not wash smaller pieces...however considering where they had been...

decided to put them in net baggies to give them a cleaning up in the washing machine.

 Drying on the kitchen counter. This is half of my scraps.  The other half is in the wash.

So Pick and Pay scraps at Faust are $2.50 a pound.  All my stuff came to $17.50.

Can you believe it??..Really... A movie out with popcorn and a drink wouldn't touch the fun 

I have already had with these scraps!!!

Mind racing to all the new projects to begin.

Cousin Olivia turns 4 soon...O stands for Olivia and O stands for owl.
O does not stand for My Little Pony...but you cannot win it all.

On my birthday, someone in the restaurant gave me her seat.  I cannot sit in a booth and there were no more tables available...the place was packed.
My daughter was taking me out to dinner.
The lady moved to the booth.  It was sooo nice.
 Found out that she knew me from the J where the children go to summer camp.  I took fabric that the children had dyed at camp last summer and made her a thank you potholder...

Another angel..the school principal...She had to have a bus one!!

Who was it that said that you never know which day will be your last??..
And that who wants to spend their last day...cleaning????
Tonight was a great night doing just what I like!

The Sun Also Rises

The morning light.

Every morning, once the children are on their school bus, I look out my sewing room window.

The dawn is coming...

The sun, the clouds, the rain, the bottle tree.

Early colors uplift me.
Today, there was a big fat red cardinal in the tree.
He said that it would be a good day.  xxoo.  And, so it was..

Then I sneak off to bed again...

Lucky me...I get both!

My quilting peeps said go..get out of the house.
I said NO...My fire was so cozy, arthritis hurt, feeling blue..
Friends and fabric called...again..
Faust in Kings Mountain.....love and love...again...love...more love...

Pick and Pay bag from that big adorable mound of scraps... by the pound..
I stayed so long with the piles that they almost had to carry me out of there!!!
Next time I am going to bring one of those long grippers to grab from the middle.

The bargains, below....$3..a yard...OMG
And...Insule-brite for $1.80 a yard

Charms...do not know if $7.50 was a deal here, but I got some Denyse anyway..

Always need lunch

************
*********
She has been there before...the grief thing.
She says nothing eases up until after all the firsts..
Craziness abounding is normal.
She is a fellow traveler.
I do not know many of them.

MORE IMPORTANT STUFF:
1.  Katie, thank you so much for your upcoming birthday.
Because of you, I got sewing.
Your present became my present, with the rise of excitement for the project.

2.  Joy...with an e...I do not have your email address.
Thank you for your kind comment.
I am sad for your loss.
xxoo

3.  Then, there is our Bea...with a poignant post
Cheering you on Bea...sending love.

Thank you my dear friends for pushing me out the door....on to better things.
I am grateful

In the Rip Tide...a personal post

My Love

Everything reminds me of  you.  I hate that almost 10 months ago you died.  You said that you would die of this disease, that there was no way but down.  You even said that I may lose the house because of the expense of taking care of you. Thanks to your brother, I did not.  You told me to take care of myself.  I did not.  I did not want to.  I wanted to cry and eat chocolate and drink wine and to sit in the dark by that fake fireplace we loved so much.  I wanted to nap.  I wanted to pretend that you were still here.  I did not want to feel the pain and I still do not want to.  I exchanged my health for my fear and grief.  You knew I would.

I told you that I could not do it without you.  You told me that I already was doing it.  I told you that I was terrified with fear and loss even before you died.  You told me to never put my head where I had no control. You told me to always stay in the day.  I did not listen.  I cannot control my grief. You were my hero.  You still are. You suffered with such grace.  I do not have your grace.  I do not even have my own.

Before you died, Emily's man asked you for her hand...Happily, you gave it. You said you wanted money set aside for at least the wedding dress.  Today you bought it.  I helped our girl select it.  You were everywhere. Even in the  middle of joy I cried. You told me to go sew.  I have not been able to for a week or so.

My heart says that nothing matters anymore.   My mind says that it has to.  My heart says that I want to be with you.   God says I am not in charge.

You would still be so proud of Emily.  She is a huge help..She takes care of the paying bills online and taxes etc...while I cry. She teaches the children about health and takes them running.  Even though her grief is profound too.  The two of you...so much alike.. She does not/cannot understand my despair. 

We both knew that grief would be worse the second 6 months.  That would be for others...I thought...not for me.  I would charge ahead being better faster.

I want to still see you for the delight that you were.  Instead I still see the suction machine, the breathing machine, the paralysis and the Hoyer lift.

I remember being furious that I could not get to you to kiss or hug you. Separating  you and me there were caregivers, hygiene matters, machines, bed rails and ALS.

I wanted to jump into the bed with you...Even if I could have done so with my arthritis, you could not have handled it. 

You were in pain and trying to die. I wanted you to live. We had different journeys.

Most of our friends have drifted off.  They are busy.  We knew it would be like this. No one knows that the pain goes on and on and on and gets worse before it gets better.

I am making some new friends in the widow groups. Nothing fixes this.  Nothing ever will.

Some days are better than others.  Lucky me has peeps everywhere....Pool exercise peeps, Naranon peeps, Quilting peeps, Friend peeps, Kids' school peeps..Blogging peeps, Widow group peeps.  It is really unbelievable., Out of nowhere, they come.  They bring love and they bring courage. 

The children are flourishing thanks to angels abounding...I take care of them, we have fun and we do the right thing.. They are learning that we take care of each other in this life.

I am struggling to see the light..  In my heart of hearts I know that there are good things ahead.. We will make it... God was right.  I am not in charge.

Still here...Still trying to do the very best I can, one foot in front of the other..one day at a time..

Missing you....

Your Love

xxoo

And, In the Beginning...

Ends and Beginnings

Today, I had the privilege of looking for and buying a wedding dress for my girl.

I love her so.

Her man had received permission from Daddy before he died.

Daddy had insisted that he buy the dress.

Today we did.

Tears.

The selection above was huge.

I insisted that 5 dresses...were the one!!!

She chose one and I let go of the other 4.

A mother of excess, I know:)

If she decides not to get married...lol

The dress is stunning as is my girl.

It can hang with her mother's in the upstairs closet.

My memory was today, after all.

Coming out of the Dark

Coming out of the Dark

Coming out of the Dark

The Mighty Full Day

Tying number two of my Dear Man's shirt quilts.
Number one was quilted for my daughter as a Christmas gift.
This one was tied for me.  Wool batting in both.
Thank you Cousin Ann.

 Sherry's divided four patch process.
I took a pix of Muggs reversible beach place mats and deleted it by mistake.
Forgive me Muggs....Oh, Please.

 Jean helped me open my new $10 machine..a Universal I see..
Sherry unscrewed the knee pedal and put it into foot pedal mode.
Works well...just needs a bit of oil..

 Guess 1978 is Vintage mode...check out the pedal!!

And of course, we ARE in the Carolinas!!
 Muggs made tonight a Super Bowl Quilting Party.
Games and all...lol

Such a busy day that I would not have had the energy for even just last week.
TBTG it is February!
I was just in the dermatologist two weeks ago...Had another new spot taken off this morning.

School principal called with Dylan in her office.  He talked too much in class.
Lunch with a friend was not enough excitement for this old lady...
But, that I was just starting to chill when the school called, again....

The very same five year old Dylan had been running in school...
Running..right into a poll...Off we went to the Urgent Care.
Split that little head right open.

School personnel came with us.
Two hours and five stitches later...we leave.....
I have pictures, but they are pretty awful.

My sweet daughter met me at the restaurant to take Dylan home.
so I could enjoy a lovely dinner hour with my new widow friends.
Home just in time for IQ quilting and the tying of my quilt.

I did all this???
God only knows how.
So grateful
Some of my old self back...OMG...Can you believe it????
My Dear Man and my Old Ma...
How proud are you of me? !