The Birthday Post

Today is the day....my birthday..

Wednesday....Birthday celebration number one!!

Number two last night at Quilting...so awesome...so much laughing.

 Number three today at Mexican lunch.

Number four tonight with my girl!!
Yup...she flew in last night for my birthday!
Lucky, lucky me.
So far, 68 is not that bad.
And, it is one more milestone down without my dear man.

Looking back to May...when I did Soul Collage with Margaret..

Here we have my love escaping from the bear (ALS)

Mr. O'Quilts is riding free over the rainbow to peace ever after.

 Then..me..left behind..bewildered..facing a sad bleak, barren and befuddled life without him.

Eight months a widow...I am at least... keeping on.

Today I am able to share.

My new/old motto...to let everyone deal with their own lives.
To take care of the children and let adults care for themselves.
(read this...mind my own business)

Everyday I must survive.
What to do to lift myself up???
What to do for self-care???
What to do for joy??
I am doing the best I can......
Reminding myself that self-care and selfishness are two different things.!!
And...so...a birthday post..

A Wonderful birthday!!

Epiphany

Dear me...Again...

I had a great Saturday and a terrible Sunday

Trying to understand this craziness, I came upon insight here:.

Hello Grief

Tomorrow is 8 months a widow.

Today I could not control the mood swings..grrr

I slept too much.

I could not make little presents for my group.

I could not make Christmas cookies.

I counted the friends I have not heard from in 8 months,

instead of the ones that shore me up daily.

I ate even more cookies.

Then...tonight...Mother saved the day...

With her Christmas poem card....I found from 2004.

Thank you Mother....so timely....

Remember Mother, how I used to aggravate you??

From adolescence on...I loved to get your goat..just loved it.

And now, you are my wise old owl. xxoo 

I miss you so.

The Good Saturday

Granddaddy and I had a little something put away...earmarked joy.
Christmas is a perfect time for a tree house...Don't you think?
Joy it is!!

 This is the first Christmas without Mr. O'Quilts
One single rose amongst the December leaves.
You are still here, after all, my love.

 Today was a stunning day in the Carolinas..72 degrees F
Perfect to sit outside sewing the loops on the potholder gifts.

The Grands are with Beth and Andrea this weekend....having way too much fun!

And...out to dinner...so very spoiled:)

Even I went out to lunch...
A good Saturday IMHO!!
So excited.  I have something fun planned every day this week.

The Little Engine who tried sooo hard..

Grandma!!
Can you mend my doggie... Can  you mend my sweater... Can you mend my bow...
Of course, my love...of course!!

My darling grands with their darling mother...so clean is she!!!!

It is Sherry's birthday...made her this drawstring bag from Jeni Baker...of In Color Order Blog

Our Sherry giving the birthday  look!!
She knows she is loved.
I made the angel food cake with 7 minute frosting just like my grandma used to do.:)
and...used her cute candle holders..and the little mint stars from Trader Joe's

And so it goes..the fun and the not so fun.

Had a cry-fest a few days back...I cannot do Christmas, I cannot do this. I cannot do that....
Not, without my man!!!

Poor Stephanie was so upset that she buzzed around, cleaning the house,
dressing it for Christmas...... In two seconds flat.

 Actually, she had it all done before I even stopped crying...OMG
I love you Stephanie

Today, as I was righting the wobble both inside and out...
A police detective knocked on the door...
Jeeze Louize...this is the 11th police in 3 weeks.
She showed me a picture of my son breaking into cars.

Really...??  Do I need this???
 He has not lived with me for 14 years and I have to go through this?????
He will soon be 31...Please,  Enough already!!

Dear Mrs. O'Quilts...

Dear Mrs. O'Quilts...please read this and do it!!!
Do you hear me???
Grief during the holidays
But, it is sooo hard.

Finally, tonight...after a holiday emotional day..I was able to select fabrics for a present.
Do not know if I will finish it...but at least this is a start.

 Yesterday I managed scrap potholders...
Random this and random that...made peace within me.
If it takes a potholder to do this, well, then it takes a potholder!!

Evidently it takes being completely alone to cry and grieve my losses...
Who wants to do that??
Himself would not want our son's drug situation to do me in..

Aunt Brandy coming through with help during the holidays.
Aunt Emily coming through with coming home on the 16th.
Auntie Charmaine coming through with tons of respite and help.
Ms. BW coming through with respite...
Ms Katie coming through with tons of tutoring and texts..
Ms. Stephanie coming through...my pillar of strength.
Ms. Muggs coming through with daily affirmations..

My awesome grands are tons of work, but I would not survive without them.
They are my reason for being.
I love them so.

Just found a calendar that Emily had made me one year.
Such lovely memories.
Bet she did not know at the time that I would love these pix years later!!

Playing the piano.

My mother...

Me and the first one:)  He still takes my heart.

Below is shameless family advocacy.

My sister needs work to keep her apartment..She is getting a divorce.

She now has an etsy shop for potholders and small quilts, etc.  She just started.

I told her that her only sister would help her fight the fight by posting on my blog;
Voila...Good luck Charmaine!!

QCQuilters

Teaching Mitzvah

Tuesday was national day of doing nice things for others...

eg Mitzvah. (good deeds or act of kindness)

Like we really needed a national day for this!!
The children brought Hannukah tissue holders to the J
Every summer they enjoy camp there.

They brought tissue holders to the Karate teachers. (tute on my blog)

My turn:  Mitzvah for myself..as I went to the Guild holiday party.

My contribution, potluck bowl covers...(tute link on my blog)
 Of course I do not have one tidy place in my entire house for a photo....so disorganized am I, grrr.

I bought a few bowls from the dollar store for cover display.
All wrapped it in a half yard of holiday fabric!!

I was so glad I went.  Saw so many friends and actually felt a bit human again.

Little Lynsey has an impulsive naughty mouth.  I ask her if she does this at school.
No..she says somberly, I would get on Rowdy Red and you would be called and I would be embarrassed.
It is IN me at school, she says, but I save it till I get home and feel safe.

Smart Lynsey...I think all my grands have AD/HD like their father..
Yesterday was visitation with their father.
Chrystal Meth does a job on an addict.
I was so anxious about it. I love him so and it is hard to watch him go down.
Kids were thrilled, noticing nothing askew.
We met at McDonald's playground for an hour or so.
I brought my sister, niece and Stephanie with me for support.
This takes a lot out of me emotionally, but it is the right thing to do.

To cheer us...work is starting on the Christmas present from Granddaddy and me.

A tree house...soooo much fun.

A Story Re-told

Is a story re-told...like soup...better the next time round??

Let it Go....the truthful liars and the false fair friends who say we do not need a stash!!!
Ha ha!
e.e...thank you for the words.
This potholder has fabrics spanning 50 years!!!
That is what makes it perfect.  Perfect for Evelyn.

Evelyn is an awesome respiratory therapist...good brain, good heart, good common sense.

Mr. O'Quilts had been zoning in and out in April this year.  I called Evelyn.

It was Monday afternoon, I wanted Evelyn to come to the house immediately to check if his behavior was...

Too much Morphine? Too much Ativan? ALS disease process?

She could not come till Tuesday morning.

I was scared and in full Mama bear mode.

I begged, I pleaded, I cried..all..to no avail.

She came the next morning, Tuesday at 8am.

Family was gathered round chatting waiting for the wise one.

She took one look at my love and gave him 15 minutes.
A huge shock.

She said it was disease process and that the body just gets tired of it all and stops.

Maybe he had been dead already, but we could not tell because of the breathing mask made his chest go up and down.

Evelyn then stayed with us an hour and a half until the Hospice nurse
...came to take off his mask and pronounce him.

I will never ever forget that Tuesday morning.

I am remembering all this with great detail because it is the holiday season now.

Evelyn lives in the country and has chickens.

I am making her a chicken potholder...will deliver on Friday.

I will never forget your kindness Evelyn...You even checked up on me later.

xxoo

The Message

This will be the first Christmas in 37 years without Himself.

It is painful.

This antique horn was one of the first Christmas ornaments that we bought together.

It still blows.  It toots!!

I see Dylan enchanted by it.  He takes it off gently and blows and smiles...He loves it.

My first thought is to say...No!!...Do not break it..it is only to look at..

But,  his pleasure is too great.

And, I am a grandma after all.

..Better to watch Dylan's five year old joy, 

than to have it sold at another antique shop once I am gone.

My sister took all three children today for an adventure at her house.

I sat here in a surprise bout of numb grief.  Just sat.

Somehow, I finished half a novel and made a holiday present.

All done, numb with grief.

And numb with bowls of HT Peppermint bark ice cream.

Trying not to care, but caring anyway.

xxoo

I love this post on...wabisabiquilts.  I hope u enjoy it too. 
Then...travel pillows for sick folks  on Nancy Zeiman's blog

Maybe these little pillows will be on sale during the holidays.
I know they are sold at JoAnn's

One day, maybe I will see that fabric therapy saved me.
I hope I will not feel like a totally ridiculous hoarder.

Giving up the Ghost

Or...the time has come.

Bye bye, large, freshly picked green tree.

Bye bye antique ornaments and classical style.

Hello, again...artificial white sparkles.

Hello, again happy children's faces as they decorate their tree 

just as they like..

Their favorite ornaments are with pictures of themselves.

Dylan, here is sooo excited.

The baton has been passed.

We had our day. It is their turn now.

I would not want it any other way.

The above potholder tops ready for our Orkin Man..

Ha ha...makes me happy to finish these.

As for the fake tree...it came with real delight.

It was put up by the family...kids and their mother. help.

After all...Grandma...Your knees won't let you water a fresh one.

Grandma,  you cannot string lights or reach the top of a real one.

True...so true...

The next season thus arrives.

In more ways than one.

Karen Barry and Earthwalker Quilts, I lost your emails.
Please send..I want to say thx:)

A Journal Entry

A Letter to My Love...My Dear Man..

Thanksgiving is over...You were everywhere.  You were missed.

There were few surprises, but that Ray and Alicia now only have 16 cats instead of 17...
They had started at 22 in Miami.  Attrition, I guess.
The 18 of them are now headed back to New Jersey.
I am grateful that they came.  I love them.
They have been married 29 years now...Can you believe it?
Our family craziness is everywhere..nothing new, you would have said.

It was so much fun playing Canasta--our family ritual.
Proud of Evan...he carries on the tradition, playing like a pro...so smart!!
Evan stuffed the turkey with me and put it into the oven.
The rest of the day, doing  nothing exhausted me.

There is still a warrant out for Eamon's arrest.  You would tell me to stop obsessing and let it all go.
You would tell me to stop checking the online sheriff link..non-stop.
To let go of what I could not control and what was no longer my business for a child of 31.
It was easier to do that when you were here.

CSI security system was installed tonight.
It took hours. The installer's mother died of ALS. He wanted to talk about it.

After 37 years of loving you, I remember that you used your last breath to
tell me to live my life and to take care of myself.
I want to do neither.

My sister has two interviews this week.  That is good news.
Emily is coming home for Christmas and my birthday. That is good news.
Emily's man is wonderful. That is good news.

I guess the kids and I will try to put up that artificial tree that we got when you became so sick.
I will try to remember that Grandma lost so many of her family at Christmas and still made wonderful Swedish Christmases for us.
Grandma..How did you do that?

I am way behind on making holiday things for my friends.
Maybe they will be January presents. I will accept that.

This hole in my heart is such uncharted territory.
It saps so much energy from me that I hardly know who I am any more.
You would tell me that I am doing the best I can.

Even though I cannot change the past for the children,
I often feel like what I do is not enough.

You are my everything.
I am happy that at least I was able to write you this letter.
Maybe one day I will be able to look at your picture again.
xxoo

The Evening of...

This holiday eve is hard...No dear man and No dear son.

I found this picture of my DIL and my son.

Both in active addiction a few years back.

They had been asked to bring a cake...instead they brought a cake mix and a jar of frosting.

This is a priceless addict expression....like I am wrong to question it.!!

That is why I love it....it reminds me..of the truth which I hate...the truth.
My favorite vacation spot is the " Land of Denial".

While Grandma struggles to stand on her knees which need replacing,
Evan helps to peel the sweet potatoes, uses the immersion blender to blend them.
He smooths them for the marshmallows on top...
He went shopping with me, carried the groceries, put them away.
He loaded and emptied the dishwasher.
He helped make the stuffing by stirring the onions and celery and adding the bread crumbs.
Tomorrow at 8 am, he and I will stuff and put the turkey in the oven.
I will go back to sleep and Evan will do Mindcraft.

 

UGH  Now I see he is watching something called Piewdepie....ugh ugh..
.How do I know if this is suitable.
Now I have to supervise the 10 year old's computer habit.
I do not have the energy.
I  know that tomorrow's arrival of my brother and his wife and their 17 cats from NYC
will bring respite...
How could it not???
My sister, DIL, SIL will all be here to shore me up and help us celebrate.
Tomorrow we are going to be thankful for what we do have.
We are going to wish all of you...
a Happy Thanksgiving....too!!
We are going to enjoy this new and different Thanksgiving of 2015
I insist!
xxoo

Grateful Already

The beginning of the season of Thanks.

Lynsey's first grade turkey performance at school..totally adorable!!

She is the front row smallest blond green one, in boots :)

 Carol came by with this happy pick-me-up..Thank you Carol.

Loved the visit. too...Carol is working with refugee placement here in Charlotte,

Of course that is after her all day job as a speech therapist in the schools!!!

.

And, Carol went to the local Syrian bakery..to eat yummy things and to give support.

It is hard to be a citizen of your adopted country and listen to the recent backlash.

 Evan...having his first sleep over ever in his new room.

Siblings are at their aunt's house...Evan is growing up.
He is using the one lonely I-pad, which thankfully, he had left in the car.

Zoe is thrilled to be invited.

 Healthy food fabric put away, potholders delivered to the chef at school.

Now I am looking for my bug fabric..All reorganized, I am afraid.

I found this much...Our Orkin guy...needs bug potholders...right??

 He is the best...He came to my dear man's funeral.  

He also leads martial arts...so of course, ninjas on the back...hee hee

Taking a wild chance on scrap binding...left over from my sister...

I am going to try to get at least one side on tonight..and tomorrow do the bug potholders.

I  know I have more bug fabric.  Lost to tidy...Tidy is not all it is cracked up to be.

A HUGE Thanks to Cousin Ann for the  new Fabric.com gift certificate..

.She really understands the need for therapy around here...xxxooo

Today I signed a contract for a CPI security system...

Evidently the big, bad  dogs are not enough.

Luck brings a Black Friday special with all parts and instillation free with cameras and all.

Pictures on my I-phone and $50 a month...Perfect...The technology is amazing. 

 All pictures are on the cloud, so if the bad guys steal the camera..tough for them..'

CPI marketing is something else too...

The minute the police report went out...a marketing rep was at my door, unsolicited!!.

Really...I am glad.

My son called today.  I asked him to please turn himself in ...nothing to do with my break-in.

He said that he makes more money for his habit panhandling,
 than he would breaking in for electronics.

It is all pretty sad.

Tonight is the beginning of the holiday season and durn it...We will enjoy it!!

I am grateful already

Last Minute Lucy...

Have you ever seen a first grade turkey play???
Manana...
Oh,no...potholders needed for our favorite school chef..
Action in the studio...

 
 
 He is a Nascar fan...I had to order on Equilter...with their huge postage fee.
I could not find it elsewhere...Even though NC is Nascar headquarters!!!
I am backing his potholders with this.

The fruit and veggie mess from the potholder sweat shop.

Almost done...

My son called today all sweet and nice.
He is furious that I would think he had any part in our robbery..
Blah....Blah...Blah...
Maybe he is right...and maybe he is not.
I am closing this post on a potholder note!!!

For Bea and Me

I am Woman, Hear me Roar...

Bea  and I are going to survive....We are going to thrive...We are going to do the right thing..

Bea and me...
After her comment on my blog, I said...Get with it girl...
You will role model for these  kids.. that we just keep on going.

So, like anyone would,  I made potholders.
Potholders instead of UFOs...
Potholders instead of WIPs..
Potholders instead of whining...
Cuz I felt like it.

I found a little bag of scraps from Cotton and Steel...
I liked that first line so much that I saved every itsy bit.
How handy...potholder tops made here in 10 min.  Sooo fun!!

Tomorrow a school day..TBTG....Up at 6:30...the routine...off they go.
I was going to do paper plates on Thursday.
But, now...NO...I will carry on with the routine of using
Christmas china..as we always do...for the kids .

My brother is coming with his wife and their 17 cats in their van.
More excitement.
Chin up...and celebrate Thanksgiving..
Because we are Thankful.
DIL gave her first speech ever at her Narcotics Anonymous meeting.
She called with the news that she did a great job.
So thankful and so proud.
Good night.