The Message

This will be the first Christmas in 37 years without Himself.

It is painful.

This antique horn was one of the first Christmas ornaments that we bought together.

It still blows.  It toots!!

I see Dylan enchanted by it.  He takes it off gently and blows and smiles...He loves it.

My first thought is to say...No!!...Do not break it..it is only to look at..

But,  his pleasure is too great.

And, I am a grandma after all.

..Better to watch Dylan's five year old joy, 

than to have it sold at another antique shop once I am gone.

My sister took all three children today for an adventure at her house.

I sat here in a surprise bout of numb grief.  Just sat.

Somehow, I finished half a novel and made a holiday present.

All done, numb with grief.

And numb with bowls of HT Peppermint bark ice cream.

Trying not to care, but caring anyway.

xxoo

I love this post on...wabisabiquilts.  I hope u enjoy it too. 
Then...travel pillows for sick folks  on Nancy Zeiman's blog

Maybe these little pillows will be on sale during the holidays.
I know they are sold at JoAnn's

One day, maybe I will see that fabric therapy saved me.
I hope I will not feel like a totally ridiculous hoarder.

Giving up the Ghost

Or...the time has come.

Bye bye, large, freshly picked green tree.

Bye bye antique ornaments and classical style.

Hello, again...artificial white sparkles.

Hello, again happy children's faces as they decorate their tree 

just as they like..

Their favorite ornaments are with pictures of themselves.

Dylan, here is sooo excited.

The baton has been passed.

We had our day. It is their turn now.

I would not want it any other way.

The above potholder tops ready for our Orkin Man..

Ha ha...makes me happy to finish these.

As for the fake tree...it came with real delight.

It was put up by the family...kids and their mother. help.

After all...Grandma...Your knees won't let you water a fresh one.

Grandma,  you cannot string lights or reach the top of a real one.

True...so true...

The next season thus arrives.

In more ways than one.

Karen Barry and Earthwalker Quilts, I lost your emails.
Please send..I want to say thx:)

A Journal Entry

A Letter to My Love...My Dear Man..

Thanksgiving is over...You were everywhere.  You were missed.

There were few surprises, but that Ray and Alicia now only have 16 cats instead of 17...
They had started at 22 in Miami.  Attrition, I guess.
The 18 of them are now headed back to New Jersey.
I am grateful that they came.  I love them.
They have been married 29 years now...Can you believe it?
Our family craziness is everywhere..nothing new, you would have said.

It was so much fun playing Canasta--our family ritual.
Proud of Evan...he carries on the tradition, playing like a pro...so smart!!
Evan stuffed the turkey with me and put it into the oven.
The rest of the day, doing  nothing exhausted me.

There is still a warrant out for Eamon's arrest.  You would tell me to stop obsessing and let it all go.
You would tell me to stop checking the online sheriff link..non-stop.
To let go of what I could not control and what was no longer my business for a child of 31.
It was easier to do that when you were here.

CSI security system was installed tonight.
It took hours. The installer's mother died of ALS. He wanted to talk about it.

After 37 years of loving you, I remember that you used your last breath to
tell me to live my life and to take care of myself.
I want to do neither.

My sister has two interviews this week.  That is good news.
Emily is coming home for Christmas and my birthday. That is good news.
Emily's man is wonderful. That is good news.

I guess the kids and I will try to put up that artificial tree that we got when you became so sick.
I will try to remember that Grandma lost so many of her family at Christmas and still made wonderful Swedish Christmases for us.
Grandma..How did you do that?

I am way behind on making holiday things for my friends.
Maybe they will be January presents. I will accept that.

This hole in my heart is such uncharted territory.
It saps so much energy from me that I hardly know who I am any more.
You would tell me that I am doing the best I can.

Even though I cannot change the past for the children,
I often feel like what I do is not enough.

You are my everything.
I am happy that at least I was able to write you this letter.
Maybe one day I will be able to look at your picture again.
xxoo

The Evening of...

This holiday eve is hard...No dear man and No dear son.

I found this picture of my DIL and my son.

Both in active addiction a few years back.

They had been asked to bring a cake...instead they brought a cake mix and a jar of frosting.

This is a priceless addict expression....like I am wrong to question it.!!

That is why I love it....it reminds me..of the truth which I hate...the truth.
My favorite vacation spot is the " Land of Denial".

While Grandma struggles to stand on her knees which need replacing,
Evan helps to peel the sweet potatoes, uses the immersion blender to blend them.
He smooths them for the marshmallows on top...
He went shopping with me, carried the groceries, put them away.
He loaded and emptied the dishwasher.
He helped make the stuffing by stirring the onions and celery and adding the bread crumbs.
Tomorrow at 8 am, he and I will stuff and put the turkey in the oven.
I will go back to sleep and Evan will do Mindcraft.

 

UGH  Now I see he is watching something called Piewdepie....ugh ugh..
.How do I know if this is suitable.
Now I have to supervise the 10 year old's computer habit.
I do not have the energy.
I  know that tomorrow's arrival of my brother and his wife and their 17 cats from NYC
will bring respite...
How could it not???
My sister, DIL, SIL will all be here to shore me up and help us celebrate.
Tomorrow we are going to be thankful for what we do have.
We are going to wish all of you...
a Happy Thanksgiving....too!!
We are going to enjoy this new and different Thanksgiving of 2015
I insist!
xxoo

Grateful Already

The beginning of the season of Thanks.

Lynsey's first grade turkey performance at school..totally adorable!!

She is the front row smallest blond green one, in boots :)

 Carol came by with this happy pick-me-up..Thank you Carol.

Loved the visit. too...Carol is working with refugee placement here in Charlotte,

Of course that is after her all day job as a speech therapist in the schools!!!

.

And, Carol went to the local Syrian bakery..to eat yummy things and to give support.

It is hard to be a citizen of your adopted country and listen to the recent backlash.

 Evan...having his first sleep over ever in his new room.

Siblings are at their aunt's house...Evan is growing up.
He is using the one lonely I-pad, which thankfully, he had left in the car.

Zoe is thrilled to be invited.

 Healthy food fabric put away, potholders delivered to the chef at school.

Now I am looking for my bug fabric..All reorganized, I am afraid.

I found this much...Our Orkin guy...needs bug potholders...right??

 He is the best...He came to my dear man's funeral.  

He also leads martial arts...so of course, ninjas on the back...hee hee

Taking a wild chance on scrap binding...left over from my sister...

I am going to try to get at least one side on tonight..and tomorrow do the bug potholders.

I  know I have more bug fabric.  Lost to tidy...Tidy is not all it is cracked up to be.

A HUGE Thanks to Cousin Ann for the  new Fabric.com gift certificate..

.She really understands the need for therapy around here...xxxooo

Today I signed a contract for a CPI security system...

Evidently the big, bad  dogs are not enough.

Luck brings a Black Friday special with all parts and instillation free with cameras and all.

Pictures on my I-phone and $50 a month...Perfect...The technology is amazing. 

 All pictures are on the cloud, so if the bad guys steal the camera..tough for them..'

CPI marketing is something else too...

The minute the police report went out...a marketing rep was at my door, unsolicited!!.

Really...I am glad.

My son called today.  I asked him to please turn himself in ...nothing to do with my break-in.

He said that he makes more money for his habit panhandling,
 than he would breaking in for electronics.

It is all pretty sad.

Tonight is the beginning of the holiday season and durn it...We will enjoy it!!

I am grateful already

Last Minute Lucy...

Have you ever seen a first grade turkey play???
Manana...
Oh,no...potholders needed for our favorite school chef..
Action in the studio...

 
 
 He is a Nascar fan...I had to order on Equilter...with their huge postage fee.
I could not find it elsewhere...Even though NC is Nascar headquarters!!!
I am backing his potholders with this.

The fruit and veggie mess from the potholder sweat shop.

Almost done...

My son called today all sweet and nice.
He is furious that I would think he had any part in our robbery..
Blah....Blah...Blah...
Maybe he is right...and maybe he is not.
I am closing this post on a potholder note!!!

For Bea and Me

I am Woman, Hear me Roar...

Bea  and I are going to survive....We are going to thrive...We are going to do the right thing..

Bea and me...
After her comment on my blog, I said...Get with it girl...
You will role model for these  kids.. that we just keep on going.

So, like anyone would,  I made potholders.
Potholders instead of UFOs...
Potholders instead of WIPs..
Potholders instead of whining...
Cuz I felt like it.

I found a little bag of scraps from Cotton and Steel...
I liked that first line so much that I saved every itsy bit.
How handy...potholder tops made here in 10 min.  Sooo fun!!

Tomorrow a school day..TBTG....Up at 6:30...the routine...off they go.
I was going to do paper plates on Thursday.
But, now...NO...I will carry on with the routine of using
Christmas china..as we always do...for the kids .

My brother is coming with his wife and their 17 cats in their van.
More excitement.
Chin up...and celebrate Thanksgiving..
Because we are Thankful.
DIL gave her first speech ever at her Narcotics Anonymous meeting.
She called with the news that she did a great job.
So thankful and so proud.
Good night.

Oh...Life and its Lessons..

The kids came home from their cousins' house late tonight...The littles went right to sleep.

Soon, Evan asked why was I messing with our house??  Why was the TV different??...Why were the locks changed? Where were the I-Pads that he needed to finish his project?
And...where was his I-Pod with all his favorite music??
Evan has been through a lot.  In the past two years I have tried to make a stable life for him.
Now, a robbery.
 I told him that I left the door open when I went for an errand and someone came in.
We tried to celebrate that it was only things...and we were ok.
But, Evan is over tired and very sad and he is crying in his bedroom
Then...Facebook...here...shows me a picture of five years ago.
My man in France visiting his brother...Just five years later...no dear man at all.

No use my crying too...Better read my book before the library wants it back.
I realize that none of this matters.
With my Dear Man gone...nothing...

The Land of OZ

I feel like a character in a play...a crazy play.

My brain gets wobbly and faint...Could not sew yesterday.not even pat new fabric....

Good thing...remotely on Facetime, my genius daughter fixed my computer without the geek squad.

Can you believe it??

Yesterday, her man came by with a tv to loan that is so much better that the stolen big one..

Why you ask...because I learned how to use it in 5 minutes.

This latest incident has devastated me.. I feel like eating more sugar..Lord, save me..
See, I told you I was crazy


It has taken me 30 some hours after the robbery to get the energy to sew.
Lotta Jansdotter...backing has finished this quilt.
Hoping for binding energy later.
Today, the dog and I slept by the fake fire most of the day.
I decided to just go with it.

Favorite song written about.Heroin overdose?????
Arms of the Angel

Broken

I mean, broken into...as in robbed..
My grandmother's pig was displaced but not broken..TBTG

 
Within an errand of two hours yesterday, my home was robbed.

All televisions, all the I-pads that the children use for homework,

Evan's I pod, my camera....stolen...

Camel's back must be very very strong here....

Last straw keeps on coming.

Police think it was my son...now gone crazy on Meth..

Police know him, they like him, they talk to him.

Disease has devoured him.

My mother knew:

SCRAMBLED

Heart like crushed crystal glass

Never to be the same

Broken bits of memory

Embarrassment and shame

The addict with an addled brain.

    from Daydreams by Alice Franzen Clemons Burt

Broken...like in broken heart....as I sit in my recliner..all day..as in run over by a truck.
again

BUT
They did not take this:

or

or

 or

 or

I will tell the children that I left the door open by mistake and someone came in to take our things.
I do not want them to know it was probably their beloved father..
And on goes the Muldoon saga...

Just eat ice cream and go back to bed Diane...jeeze louize...

My computer has a virus and my dear man is gone....
Help...I have to sit here with a broken computer...she whines...
unless I pay big bucks for the geek squad.
  Ok...I know I am crabby...
Why not let the whole world know??!!
My dear love...how could you leave me with a virus??

Art...Breathing space for the spirit...John Updike

My sister in her new apartment....Doesn't she have an awesome decorating style!!!

She has some of the cats too...mostly she made them...they are in Grandma's old suitcase.

 Totally funny..the group shopping her stash...lol

 Drenna's baby quilt project.

 A quilt my sister made on conseignment using clothes from a family member.

 Our UFO (unfinished objects!!) Group

Rhonda is watching from home...missed you Rhonda

 Sherry's scraps....just a few left over triangles from another quilt...You go Sherry.

Norie's family quilt...from a very deep scrap bag of years....all HSTs

Tied creatively.

Art is my respite from grief

Good Morning

Woke up befuddled.  Raining...going back to sleep
My friends are getting sick of my moods and my neediness.
I do not blame them.
I see that someone knows how to take care of herself...at age 16.
She prefers wool batting too.

Everyone has an opinion on my grief.  No one knows about my grief.
I do not even know.
So.....

And, here we have it....

Good Night

Great night at my sister's new place...cannot get the pix of my phone...ugh.
Good night...afraid of the midnight hour.

If I Needed You

Shake it up Sunday

Shake it up Grandma!!

Finished widow book number 12...

Here is a look at blocks from Mr. O'Quilt's shirts.

 Had a lovely lunch with a lovely lady!!
Voila, Tori...11 months old.
We both spilled our food.
Neither one of us cared.

 Birthday present delivered.
Party enjoyed.

 A pocket and a dear lining fabric.

Why, pray ask...do I still defend parting with my fabric favorites..??

Saturday visit and movie with Mommy.

 I miss my man.
 I miss my daughter.
There is the best peppermint bark (HT brand)  ice cream in my freezer.
Equilter has free shipping.
I have no will power.

Crabby McNasty Rises Again...

Fending off doom and gloom for the holidays without my love.

I am seven months a widow.

Sewing sewing sewing

Crabby crabby crabby

 Lynsey has been invited to a birthday party of her good friend/worst enemy.

They bicker, they save seats for each other, they are mean to each other.

Now, the birthday party.

Me thinks that 6 years old is a bit early for "girl stuff".

I am putting a bit more effort into this present.

Actually, it is easier to make something than to figure out what to buy.

This bag carries library books, et al..

And on I go to another Quilt of Valor block.

Why???...because I feel like it

At seven months a widow, I am not in control of my processes.

Up and down and all around.

It irritates the doo doo out of me.

And, my knees hurt and I cannot figure out my television.

Guess I will have to read widow book number eleven.

UGH!

This is an excellent article.

I think I wrote it, but it has someone elses name on byline..

Second Year of Widowhood is harder
Thanks for hanging in here with me..queen of the whine.

A Tisket, a Tasket..

Tonight my friends helped me stuff tissue holders for the holidays

 All put in nice new baskets from Goodwill..... on senior Tuesday.
My heart....

Chain piecing in the wee hours....

Three dollars each for 100% cotton men's shirts..Goodwill...
I have such a small amount of fabric...I have to scrounge around, you know.

 In desperation, I found this leftover chocolate in the pantry.
Disgusting!!!  Even I could not eat it...Emily????

Every Wednesday night for 15 years, I have had a quilting group at my house.
We sew, and we laugh and we eat.
We are friends.
 Now-a-days, when they leave, I cry and feel despair.

For it is nine o'clock when my man used to come home from tennis.
He would say Hi to all and make himself a healthy smoothie.
  Now at nine o'clock, everyone leaves and he does not come home.

The silence screams that he is dead and gone.

My crazy brain.

Mr.O'Quilts was a health nut.

ALS did not care.